LayLay left home to remove herself from an abusive home life. She utilizes shelters and stays at friends’ homes to keep herself safe.
“I don’t care if I have to sleep on the streets, I don’t care what I have to do, I’m never going back to that house and I’m never gonna accept like, the people that live that lifestyle. You did not convince me to feel sorry for you, you did not put me in you shoes, you made me hate you even more…”
“So I’m, I’m happy to be part of a world where things are changing and yea. I have hope that as a human race we can…we can evolve.”
ANNOTATIONS
Learn More: “New Jersey Code Blue.”
Learn More [3]: “Code Blue in Effect Monday Night.” TAPinto.
TRANSCRIPT
Interview conducted by Kristin O'Brassill-Kulfan
New Brunswick, New Jersey
February 19, 2020
Transcription by Ryan Neely
Annotations by Grace Hazen
Alright, just pressed record. OK. Um, so we are here at—for the purposes of the recording, uh, Elijah’s Promise on Neilson Street. It is February 19th of 2020, approximately 12:20 in the afternoon. Uh, my name is Kristin O'Brassill-Kulfan and I am recording uh, an interview with LayLay, this afternoon and uh, Amanda is here as well. Where would you like to begin?
Um, I guess I’ll begin at the very beginning. Um, I, my mom gave—Lonchelle, I don’t ever call her my mom. Lonchelle gave birth to me and um, walked out of the hospital the same day and left me there. I don’t know what woman can like, give birth and walk out, but she did. And, I was adopted by my cousin who I now call my mom. And, I have 5 other brothers, all older, I’m the youngest, only girl. So I was taken out of the foster care system at 4 months old, because that’s just how long, you know, the legal processing took or whatever. This is really boring, um, so that’s pretty much where my hardships started. Uh, I think the—um, I think you’ll come to see like, the worst thing that my now mother could’ve done was put me around my brothers who were in the system a little longer than I was. They were older, so they experienced a lot of like physical, mental, verbal abuse. Which ultimately, as you know, for anyone, would shape their psyche and a really horrible way. Anyway, so fast forwarding to like, um, now—so like, uh, that just proved—that just like, gave me a lot of obstacles in life. Um, just not knowing your biological parents and like always feeling like the outsider in your family, and then like being an um, an African-American community and being raised in the suburbs made it even harder to kind of like find your identity and just like, fit in just for a place of like, love. Which you know, matters of love, we all need. Ok, so like the struggles began then. Um, as I got older, um, I graduated high school when I was 17 and I went on to major in Psychology. And around that time, everything was just like so perfect, and my mom had just got me a new car, a Subaru.
And um, unfortunately, growing up like you know, we were always kinda into extra curricular activities. My brothers were in all sorts of sports. I really wanted to do ballet, my father wanted me to do ballet, my mom convinced my father that it was way too much. So I wound up doing Tae Kwon Do. Um, aside from running track and cross-country, um, and school, so like after school I would then have to like, create more muscle soreness. Which ultimately was pretty cool, because it like, you know, it helped me today. I have a pretty strong physique and like, I’m grateful for that. Anyway, um, I was always isolated in my house, I was never, I was always like abused growing up, by my other—I, I was always terrorized by my older brother who experienced a lot of pain um, in the foster care system, he was raped. Um, just a really nasty woman would—I mean, not feed them and, and put small shoes on their feet to the point where their—they had to wear leg braces to like re…um…I’m like nervous, I usually have like, really great vocabulary.
Take your time—
It’s like, I’m like—
No worries—
So nervous—
No worries—
Um, to just train you know, the structure of their legs in a correct form, back to a correct form. Anyway, I believe all of what they’ve experienced kind of led to ultimately, what they did to me. So um, as I was in school and like, you know, I was like graduating everything. My brothers were also, you know, growing up and becoming who they were, unfortunately, it was in a completely different direction. One wound up doing an armed robbery, um, Rashawn Landon, and he was sent away for 8 years, and when I was a little girl, I couldn’t wait for my brother to come back home. Like, I just, I couldn’t wait for some stupid reason. I felt like our family had fallen apart because around the same time my father divorced my mom, we lost the house, and I had to like go to school and find a shelter when I was like, yea it was just like a full 80 because like, you had to deal with all this and then at the same time everyone is watching you deal with it, so it makes it almost impossible to center yourself and just like, take that time you need to really try to figure out wh—what—how am I gonna go about my next step? And how am I gonna pick myself up from this so I don’t end up worse than when I came into this situation? So um, uh…
It’s ok, take your time, whatever you need. I’m sorry.
It’s ok, I just like, that’s making me so nervous. (laughter)
(Laughter)
Ok so, um, you might have to like cut and like, make like, you might have to cut this up so it’s like in chronological order, cause I’m kinda scatterbrained right now.
Hey, it’s totally fine, yea, however you present it is fine—
You might need some like, super editing on that.
No worries.
So anyway, I um, it changed our family a lot, and it went from having a big household to like 7 people to just me and my mom. And, we were in this tiny apartment and I’ll never forget her making dinner and I walked in and she’s like, just like, quickly wiping tears away and I just like, went back as if like I was just going back to my room and I came back to watch her and she’s like muttering to herself like, “I have no idea how to make a meal for just two people.”
Like she—like, just all the—and then downsizing from like a huge house to like this little apartment—do you know how much stuff I had to throw away? Like it was, a devast—devastating time. Um, it took a lot to get used to and honestly, I don’t think I’m still used to it. Like, I’m still, that’s one of the things my boyfriend says, he’s like, “You really need to get into reality. Like, whatever you were living, like, isn’t now and you need to like (snaps, snaps), like get with it.” So—but it’s hard, like I said I was the youngest, um, all boys, so you could imagine like, me getting used to being doted on and like, which sounds really stupid, but, it made what I’m going through now so much harder. Like I was just so ill prepared anyway. So, as I was telling you before, my brothers got like arrested or whatever and I couldn’t wait, I couldn’t wait for them to come home and, when they finally did it was just completely different. And I think, being in prison for so long did something to their mental, something irreversible that, is honestly, it’s quite tragic in so many ways because I feel like it could’ve been prevented. And then at the same time, I don’t know, I just feel like, a kid making mistake—that’s the end result—I don’t think people realize how much prison affects like, other people, aside from the person going in. Uh, my mom owns a house in New York, and when he got arrested we were like gonna put that up, cause he was like, “Oh, I’m innocent,” like, “Please help me,” Like, he was just the kind of person that would do anything to, to get to where he needs to get and he would, he burnt down a building, full of like, orphan kids to get a buck. And it’s like, wait you know how many lives you ruined, you idiot? Anyway, he’s that kind of ignorant, lost soul.
So like, when he finally came home, and that there’s no way I could’ve realized this. I was so young at the time, I’m only 25 by the way, but like I, I was even younger then, so like, there’s no way I could’ve realized that my mom was putting me in harm’s way. Um, so now you can imagine now, my household, my apartment, um, kinda became like an environment—like a prison environment to me. I mean, they would say no, because they’ve experienced real prison, but for me it was real prison. I had to watch strange people come in and out, and mind you it was just me and my mom there. It was a two bedroom apartment, me and my mom’s apartment. And they come in and, you could just sense the envy, like it was just like, automatic envious and I just, I, I, I was happy to see him. I was happy he was finally back, and so I kept putting myself in harm’s way not realizing that I’m swimming with sharks and not my brothers. Like I, if you would’ve asked I would’ve never guessed that my brothers would harm me, ever. Like and I, and I know they’re bad people, but because they are in a sense, a version of me, I just…naively assumed that like there’s a level of harm that one couldn’t be capable of. I don’t know why, but that’s ultimately what got me um…harmed. So uh, it’s ha—the, the next part I’m kind of straining um, stalling because it’s kind of hard for me to like reiterate, but um, just to even talk about, makes me um, physically upset. Like I start—anyway.
You don’t have to share anything you’re not comfortable with.
I feel like I need to for other people, not even for myself. Um, they’ve caused harm to so many other people and didn’t have any consequences that, you know, the purpose of this story, honestly, isn’t really to tell my life, it was to tell the tragic incident that occurred to me and to name the people responsible so that the world—hopefully this gets out and gets big—so that the world um, kinda knows what happens. And, and it’s not just in inner cities, it’s suburban areas too, um, in fact I think that’s what enabled them to become so—to continue for as long as they did because…unfortunately, they, they, they hurt a lot of like innocent kids—anyway…
So I, um, there was a lot of clues that were being given to me at the time that I didn’t realize. There were a lot of um, things that were being insinuated um, that I mean, there was a point that I was told um, by one of my other brothers, “Please look out for Latif Landon, he hates you. Like he absolutely hates you.” And I, I kept thinking like, “Why would you hate--?” It was me and my mom for the longest time and I’m like, “I haven’t seen you in for—“ I couldn’t, imagine why he couldn’t h—why he hated me so it was almost like, because I couldn’t fully comprehend that, it wasn’t an idea that lodged in my mind the way it should’ve. Um, but one of my oldest brothers who graduated from a college, he told me, he told me, “Look out for him, because all he, all he does I obsess about you. And all he does is like, talk bad or try to get people to change their view of you.” And at the time I just, I can’t lie, I was on my high horse and so at the time I was just like, “Whatever, he can’t say kinda whatever he wants. He’s kind of a loser in society. Like, I don’t really care what he has to say.” Which ended up infuriating him even more. Like, to an irate state to where like, there was times where I had to call the cops because it got physical. Anyway, so the story begins to get more sinister, uh, because as I’m co-existing and sharing my home with my biological brothers, um, there were instances where I would brush my teeth and rinse my mouth and they—their, something was off with my Listerine, and like, I, I never knew. Like, I was just like, “Something’s off, but whatever, I’ll just buy a new one.” Like I was so carefree and like so, stable in my life that like, I was just like, “Whatever, you know, I’ll get a new one. Whatever.” And I wind up like—anyway.
Um, and then more things started to go awry. Like, um, I would notice my hair products, um, would have a different texture and a different odor to them, and I didn’t think anything of it. So of course I bought new products, thinking that maybe it’s the company, maybe I didn’t store it properly. And then, the food.
Then the water. The water started to taste funny. And it was all—and then I, I started to realize it was only when after I bought a gallon and I opened it and I drank it, was the only time that it tasted normal or appropriate to how purified water would taste. When I left it open in the fridge, there was a tainting that would occur, that I didn’t know about at the time and I would continue to drink it because, you know, I was raised, you don’t waste anything. Like, a full gallon, it’s like really against me to like, waste it, obviously, if I have to, I would like, if I knew it was definitively being tainted, I would’ve totally thrown it out, but because there was this doubt, um, I don’t know, I just, I, I kept it and that was my first mistake, not listening to my instincts.
So my older brother Richard, who’s close with Latif, um had told me, well first Latif came back from prison, he had this uh, he was sick. He was really sick. And he kind of had this attitude where he wanted to push everyone away. He was sleeping in my mom’s room, in her bed. My mom went back to work. She’s, at the time she’s 67, OK, so this grown adult, 30 year old male, not working and he has children that he’s abandoned, which is another reason I don’t fucking like him. Anyway, he has children that he’s abandoned, he’s laying in my mom’s bed, daytime hours and, you know, he’s, he was also into drugs. I think that was a huge problem as to why he wasn’t being productive or he wasn’t trying to be productive. So um, he was just like in my mom’s room and I walked in on him. I didn’t want him to feel alone, at the time I didn’t realize that I was kind of gloating my happiness, but I would always bounce in the room, trying to convey like a positive attitude. And I would say, “Hey, what’s going on? Or what’s, what’s up? What’s up?” Like, trying to get him to talk to me. And he would always complain of these stomach pains. He would always say, “I have like these excruciating stomach pains, I can’t eat anything. Anything oily, anything sweet, it really, really hurts.”
And I kept urging him, “Why don’t you go to the hospital?” My mom—my mom worked at South Bea—no, no, no that’s my father, he worked at psychiatric center. My mom worked as an occupational therapist at Willowbrook Hospital, it got shut down. It was like a really crazy hospital and she worked there. So—and then her mom was a RN, BSN (Transcriber’s note: Stands for Registered Nurse, Bachelor of Science in Nursing), so anyway. We all told them to go to the hospital. Growing up whenever there was something wrong, my mom’s go to: go to the ER, get it checked out. For some reason he refused to go. Um, at the time he didn’t have health insurance but he was in so much pain that at that time, that’s something you kinda take the debt for and you pay it off. Um, he refused to go to the hospital so he kind of rotted in my mom’s room. And, I made sure that he couldn’t say that he was left alone, the way he kinda wanted to say. It was almost like he wanted another reason to like, be a disgusting individual. Um, my attempts to be a cheerful younger sister and to try to make things better ultimately, was my demise. It, it…uh, I just used to believe that true love conquered all and to do your best would improve the world and that’s just not the case. And anyone who’s thinking that, you just have to be really, really careful because that’s not the case when you’re dealing with really damaged and hurt people. You have to remember, hurt people, hurt people.
Um, so, continue—um, moving on like…I, um…I’ll never forget the look in his eyes, there was one time I was sleeping, and I had woken up and he was standing over my bed with this eerie smile on his face. And I didn’t realize it at the time, I was just like, “Hey, what are you doing in here?” Like, just completely innocent and just happy to see my brother. Um, anyway, it wasn’t long before I started getting stomach pains. And it wasn’t long before I couldn’t keep anything down and I couldn’t eat certain foods. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I, I am really big on germs. I’m really big on cleanli—cleanliness. Really big on hygiene and I don’t, my old self, I, I really was a little bit judgmental in the sense that I could hurt people’s feelings not realizing it, but only because I wanted them to just do better. Um, and for that I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ve ever said that, so I wanna go on record and say, I’m sorry if I ever made anyone feel like I’m better than them, or that they’re less than. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.
So um, I kinda knew he was in a place of suffering and instead of bringing myself to that place, to preserve my own happiness I kind of just like, kinda stayed on my high horse and just kept doing what I was doing. Um, I believe in like attracts like, so I was just completely repelling any negative vibes because I felt like that would affect my life. I should’ve addressed them. I should’ve addressed them, but I didn’t. As a result um, my brother started to really, really, really hate me. Like really, really, really hate me. And I—it wasn’t until my oldest brother, Richard, told me um, “Hey, Latif’s been talking to me and he, he’s saying that um, he can’t stand you, and he wants you to die.” And I said, “I don’t know why he feels like that.” He said, “He hates your boyfriend.” And I said, “I don’t know why he feels like that, me and him don’t even talk to him, he doesn’t exist to us. So like, I don’t get it.” That’s probably why he hated us. Um, but in my defense I knew that if I would have included him on my relationship and in my life, he would’ve only used that as opportunity to hurt me and further himself for what he thought he could get from us. That’s how he operates, so, in my defense, I truly was protecting myself and my loved one.
Anyway, so my brother Richard goes on to tell me that he had put feces in my water. He had put um, contaminated diseased feces in my water. Um, and he had planned it for a while. Um, I also have another brother, Quadree who was separated from us and he lived with my biological mother. And we would see him occasionally because uh, the woman who adopted me, she just only thought it was right to try to keep us together. She didn’t want to be the cause of any, um, separation in the family. Which was a huge mistake by her, because she ultimately put me in harm’s way. Uh, ok, so I found out that there was feces getting put in my water and I started to get really, really sick. Um, I started emitting this horrible odor, to where when I would go in class, I was like, offending the entire place to the point where I had to leave. Um, I was in Pharmacology, and I dropped Pharmacology. By the way, Easton had me in 21:42 physiology, medical terminology, nutrition ethics, uh, sorry I got a B in ethics. Um, it was annoying. Nutrition was annoying too, God. But as a result, I can read the ingredients and I know what I’m consuming, so. Um, there was some good that came out of that, anyhow, um. It got to a point that I was so rancid and I couldn’t eat anything, that my collarbone was pronounced, and I was very weak and lethargic. Uh, and mind you I’m in my early 20s, so that’s, that’s very, that’s—those are odd systems, those are abnormal symptoms. So, um, and, and, and before he told me this, I was having these symptoms and I was explaining it to him and that’s when he went on and you could kinda tell there was like this uh, dilemma, almost this debate going on within my brother’s self. Uh, do you expose your brother? You know, to protect your younger sister, potentially get—it was just very, very weird. He ultimately did the right thing and he told me.
Um, before that there were so many instances that I had inklings that I—it got to a point where I felt like I was being tormented. Like, everything I bought, everything that I touched kept being tainted. And I just knew, I had this sickening feeling that he was trying to make me sick like him. But nobody in the house would believe me. My mom would not believe me, um, and I secretly believed that my mom was a little envious as well. Just like a mother-daughter thing. Um, I was coming into my own, um, I was developing, and I think she just lost her husband and like, me bringing over my boyfriend and like laughing and cuddling all the time, was really like, digging into her. To the point where she deliberately brought them to our house, like she, she accepted them, cause I think living with me was too painful for her. She actually admits that.
So um, I started to get really, really sick. And like I said, I had to stop school because not only the pain, but it was, I would’ve powered through the pain, it was the odor that made life…unbearable. Excruciating. Um, to the point um, I, I went to the hospital—oh, uh, uh…it gets even deeper, but I, I don’t wanna say that. Um…fuck, I left something out completely—at the same time I had a best friend who I was best friends with for 15 years. Holly Bookett, um, we were best friends for like, like I said 15 years. We were over at each other’s house sleeping over every single day. Um, for 10 years straight. Um, I lost her to crystal meth and usually when I say that, people think she died, but she didn’t, I…she’s just not the same. Um, she’s c—I lost her to crystal meth.
Um, it was around the time that I had just you know, started nursing school. I had dropped Psychology, and I wanted to do Nursing. Psychology kinda let me know that, that’s what I wanted to do. Um, I k—I kept her in my life because I really just wanted a friend. I excluded everyone else from me, she was my only fr—my one and only friend. So, she meant a lot to me, and, I um, I ignored the signs, there were signs that were happening, like her parents for instance, never really took care of her well. There were like, very different sets of rules in our household. My household versus her household. And, as a kid I thought that was pretty cool. It was just like, “Oh my God, we’re allowed to do this,” and “Oh my God, we’re allowed to do—“ I just, I didn’t think anything of it until we became adults and then I found out her parents had given her first line of crystal meth. And that’s, and instead of being a good friend, I kinda was just, “Ah! They are so gross. Like, how could you do that? Like, what are you thinking? Like, are you dumb? Like, you should be ashamed of yourself. Like, you’re doing crystal meth and you’re like, having promiscuous sex. That’s something we always laughed about your older sister. Like, we always made of those girls, and now you’re becoming one of them? What the fuck?” You know? I was like, really really angry. And you know, she kinda made a good point. She’s like, “You know I’m allowed to be who I want, like, you don’t control me, you don’t own me, and you can’t manipulate me into being ashamed of who I am.” And I realize that was true, but I still held true to my values, I will always believe that.
So it got to a point where we kind of became frenemies in the sense where I would always—how do the kids say—um…I would always ridicule her or, as the kids say, I would clown her. And um, that ultimately made her hate me. Um, so the only reason I bring up Holly Bookett is because her and both my brother Latif Landon then conspire—con, conspired against me.
Um, they both conspired against me to kinda bring me down. And, whenever I think of my story, I always think of Julius Caesar. Not in the sense that I’m great, because I’m totally not, I’m like, totally moral, I’m human, but like, not to say Caesar wasn’t human, you know. Um, just in the sense that in your greatest moments of happiness or triumph, um, please be careful to look around you cause it’ll be, it will never be a stranger. It would always be, I can’t say always, but it will most likely be the people that are closest to you, that have been watching you develop your entire life, and the people you feel safe around, are the ones that are gonna get the best opportunity…I don’t want to say to break you, but to attempt…to mangle your soul. And I know that sounds a little deep and like, ridiculous, but—am I taking too long?
No, you have as much as time as you want.
Ok, um, it’s, it’s always gonna be those people. And those injuries and those kind of tragedies hurt the worst. Um, because of the betrayal, because of the once love that you felt and you never would’ve ever thought that that could’ve happened. So anyway, those two wind up linking up and I didn’t realize how much time they had spent talking to me and to my other brother, who—should’ve done this in a more organized way, but um, my other brother Rashawn Landon, I mentioned him before, he was the one who did 8 years in prison. It wasn’t until he had told me how much time they actually spent obsessing over my downfall. Um, that I, I realized how much shit I was in. How much deep shit I was in. So anyway.
Holly started to mess around with promiscuous men, and she started to get sexually transmitted diseases and that’s when our friendship kind of ended. Because I kinda treated her like a leper, and I really, really shouldn’t of. I know now that I shouldn’t have done that. I was just a young girl, it was almost like that whole school grade cooties thing, you know? I just, I didn’t want it around me, I didn’t understand the lifestyle. I just wanted a friend that would go to the classes with me, study with me, you know? I didn’t…I wanted something completely different, so I just didn’t understand what, what she was doing, why she was doing it. Like, I just didn’t understand her, her path that she had decided to take. As a result, that made us clash like no other, um, and she resented me, she resented me for the choices she made because I was almost like her mirrored image. Um, in the sense—her birthday was three days after mine, our numerologies are exactly the same, which is insane. Um, I was the mirror because I knew who she was, you know, we’ve had so many intimate talks as little girls, so I knew who she ultimately saw herself as an adult when she was a child. So I would always just be the one to remind her “This isn’t you, and you’re going down a wrong path, and you’re being, you’re becoming a piece of shit. You just are, you’re becoming a dirty piece of shit.” I mean, I should’ve, instead of um, bashing her life, I really should’ve tried to glamorize mine in a healthy manor to where it almost enticed her to wanna go to college, and to wanna just like grow up. Um, but I didn’t, and I was mad, so I did that. Not think—I mean, til this day I still don’t think anyone should be punished for having certain views or…or feeling um, certain behaviors are unacceptable. No one should be punished for their opinion or how they feel about things, it’s just not right.
Um, but I will say that sometimes it’s best to keep your opinions to yourself, especially when you’re dealing with treacherous people that are capable…I need a thesaurus. Um…oh! Capricious people that are capable of treachery, that’s what I was just saying. And I didn’t even look that up, that just came to my mind, so. Ok. Now, that day I was with Holly, I don’t like to drink. I hate to drink, but I felt like I was losing my friend, so I partook that night. Um, I don’t wanna say it was a peer pressure situation, but she had asked me numerous times to partake with her. Um, “Just drink a little, you’re so uptight.” Um, I think it was due the fact that I was watching them partake in—I think I isolated myself in a way where it was an outsider looking in that didn’t like what she saw and I probably didn’t hide it on my face. So it was probably like this person in the corner of the room looking at all these people, and they probably feel uncomfortable that they can’t just do what they want because I’m there, so it became a situation I was like, “Alright, I’ll take a drink—“ Oh! And I partook in marijuana, I had smoked marijuana. Oh wait, that’s illegal.
There’s no name, so you’re fine.
(exhales) Oh OK!
(Laughs)
(Laughs)
Um, I regret that decision dearly. Um, and I think honestly, not that I’m spiritual or religious in any way, but I honestly think that was um, the energies that I create kind of telling me this isn’t you. You know what I mean? Like, this is gonna end badly because you’re not actually equipped for that kind of lifestyle. Like you—it’s odd, anyway, so I wind up just like falling asleep and that’s when I woke up and I saw my brother standing over me with a weird smile on his face.
And Holly was nowhere in the room. And then he left. He left shortly after I woke up. And I’m—and I, I just kept thinking, “Why were you there? Why were you there? What were doing when I was sleeping?” But I didn’t think anything of it, he was my brother at the time and it wasn’t until Holly then came in the room and said, “What do you think about setting Latif up? What do you think about getting him in trouble with the police? Maybe we’ll give him some copious amount of um, drugs, and then set him up?” And I thought to myself like, “This is the same Latif that we would play pillow fights with. Like, this is my brother, why would you say something like--? When did it come to like, this whole, dirty world--?” Like I—I, for some stupid reason because I was young and innocent I was just like, “Um—“ I, I assumed that they had a problem and I was just like, “Uh, no.” What did I say exactly? “No, why would you wanna do something like that?” I said, “No, why would you wanna do something like that?” And she’s like, “So you wouldn’t do that? You wouldn’t do that to him?” I realize now she was gauging what I was capable of when I found out what had been happ—what had happened to me. She wanted to know am I capable of exacting a revenge or like a uh, punishment? I didn’t know that at the time, um, so in that moment she was scoping me out and she realized that like, her and Latif do have those capabilities and could do something to me and, and not have to worry about retri—uh, any consequences. Any paybacks. Um, which as a, as an adult now it kinda makes me feel like a loser, weak piece of shit. Um, it makes me feel like I’ve lost something. That…it did so much to mental—to where I was at a point where I, I felt really what’s the point of waking up in the morning and living life? Like, really why am I gonna continue to suffer? So that, wait, am I gonna be the scapegoat so that scumbag people can continue being scumbags? And like, I’m left in the wind because like, I’m hurt from some tragedy? I went through a whole bunch of stuff, anyway…
Something really weird happened, I was on my period um, at the time of the party and it wasn’t even a party, it was just me and Holly. It was just me and Holly and um, and then her family, her family was in the house who—God know—like I, I think back and I’m like, God knows what kind of a mind state—especially learning everything I have, you know, drugs severely affect decision making. Severely. Uh, to the point where I said I lost Holly Bookett to crystal meth. She’s totally alive, she’s just complete—her mental’s completely warped, um, and I’m sure other drugs do the same—heroin, what have you. My experience with family and loved ones, however, was crystal meth. And…so, um, here comes the hard part, I go the doctor because I’m um—this is gonna get too personal for a fucking play—
It might not all end up in the eventual production, so whatever you are comfortable sharing is totally fine.
Ok…so, I started experiencing weird symptoms, um, in private areas. So I go to my doctor and I, and I tell her like, “I think I’ve been infected.” And I’ve been going to her, like I told you guys that I, I stay up on my health, um, and so I was going to her for probiotics. We were actually in the process, I was going to her a lot that month, thank God. Um, so she was very familiar with me, um, obviously doing exams in private areas, and when I told her that she said, and she’s knows I’ve been with the same guy since I was 17 years old and—me and my doctor have a really good rapport, my gyno. So she says to me, “there’s no way you have anything.” She’s like, “Relax, you’re just, you’re being paranoid.” Um, “You’re at low risks—you are at some risks just because you’re sexually active, but she informed me that I’m at low risk and blah blah blah.” So I get my test results back and I’m riddled with a bunch of diseases and…my doctor’s almost dumbfounded. She don’t—she didn’t have any words, she didn’t know what to say. Um, she just thought the entire thing was so odd that she appointed a social worker, and thank God for her, because she’s a good doctor.
Um, she knew something was off. I actually had a mental breakdown upon hearing the results because it just didn’t make sense for me, and it wasn’t right. Til this day, I just feel like it’s just not right and it’s not fair. Um, obviously I’m doing everything in my power to receive the proper justice. Um, after that, um—Oh! After that I went back to my house…and they must’ve known that I had figured out something was wrong with me because I had changed in some way that they had measured and then they kept saying little innuendos like, “Good, good luck having children.” And, “Oh, I hope you can keep things down.” And, just like letting me know that what you’re experiencing is what you thought I was gross for experiencing. Which he, they still are very gross. I, I really don’t care, I don’t have sympathy for people that do that—I mean, if something happened to you and someone contaminated you and you were in a tragedy, that is the only people I will have sympathy for. People that make choices and come up with—it’s cause and effect—I will never have sympathy for you living a certain lifestyle and having direct consequences of living that lifestyle occur to you. I just don’t care for people like that. And honestly, if it was my world, you’d be put on another planet, never to be seen again, so that the rest of society can function properly and maybe we can reach a utopia. Maybe. Which obviously you can’t do without the bad, anyway. So, I went back home and after they were saying those insinuations, I lost my cool. I’ve never, ever been so angry, like, upon realizing—it was almost like a movie flashed in my head where all the pieces came together. I remember, I remember him standing on top of my bed, or sitting over my bed. I remember the little things that he would say that didn’t make sense at the time, that I was just like brushing it off because everything was ok with me. And it was like a domino effect and I wind up, I never felt that kind of rage where my entire body had like this insane heat wave. And then I started shaking because they were taunting me. They were taunting me, telling me my symptoms, without me having to discuss them with anybody. So that let me know that they were responsible and yet I couldn’t do anything about it.
Like, how do you, how do you prove that? How do you prove that? So…I—it got to a point where I had my mug in my hand and this is like a huge glass mug. It was almost like a beer-ale mug, but I used it for my tea cause it held so much liquid. And um, I’ll never forget holding it in my hand and looking my blood brother in the eye, someone who I loved and looked up to and admired dealy—dearly growing up, telling him that if he said one more word…that I would crack the cup over his head. Because at that point, I’m like, well I have nothing to lose and I really don’t wanna live life like a scumbag. Like I don’t wanna live with this. Like, you’re making me feel like I’m you. And I think that was their goal to kinda put me in their shoes. And that’s when I said, “This is so not me,” like, “You need to get the fuck outta here.” And that’s when I made the decision, I called the cops and I told them everything and I made a police report so that in the future, because right now nothing’s happening, but if I document properly, and I make it known, when I do try…to just receive some sort of justice for what occurred to me, it would be a little easier to accomplish. I called the cops and I knew in that moment I said I’m gonna leave and, and another thing, there was just horrible things that they were happen—that were happening, they were jealous that I had a cat. They wind up throwing my cat off a balcony. They threw her off a balcony while I was at work. Just horrible shit. So like…(sighs)
(long pause. Crying.)
So like…in that moment, I had to make a really, really hard decision as a young adult, I told myself that, “I’m leaving and I’m never coming back.” And I don’t care if I have to sleep on the streets, I don’t care…(pause) fuck…
It’s ok.
(Crying) I don’t care if I have to sleep on the streets, I don’t care what I have to do, I’m never going back to that house and I’m never gonna accept like, the people that live that lifestyle. You did not convince me to feel sorry for you, you did not put me in you shoes, you made me hate you even more and you made me just pray to God—like, there was times when I’m like, “OK,” and I know this seems farfetched but there was, there was actual times when I’m like, “Can we just get bombed? I think we failed as a human race.” Like, I really think we failed, and we need to start over. Like, this needs to be nuked immediately. And like, so now I’m in a position where I’m not living with my boyfriend because I refuse to be a burden on someone else, like they were. I refuse to live in someone’s home if I can’t pay rent, then I, I can afford a shelter and it’s that simple. As an adult, I make it my goal to take ownership and be accountable for every action that I make. So as a result of leaving my home with nothing. With nothing, I left everything behind, everything. Everything my mom got me. Everything behind and had to start over. I’m now in a pos—and they’re, they moved all my stuff out of my room, they’re living in my room right now. God knows what happened to my cat, I mean, they threatened to throw her out—they threw out my cats kittens. Um, they’re just really disgusting people that I decided I could no longer be around because if I stay around them I’m putting myself in harm. It was the moment that I realized, love…it was the moment that I realized I need to grow up, and that the idea that love will conquer all, and to be very loving to those that are very detrimental to your health and just you in general, is putting you, is making you a target. It’s putting you in harms way, so I had to wizen up and I left. I left and I never looked back. I never looked back and as a result, I’m struggling day to day, I stay out until 12 and then only then will I accept going in my boyfriend’s house because his roommate is sleeping, nobody knows that I’m sneaking in, you know. I don’t want anyone to know—everyone who knew me prior to this would’ve never ever guessed that I would’ve ended up on this hard, tumultulous—tumultuous path that I’m on now. Nobody would’ve guessed, it was kind of like…it’s embarrassing.
So now I have to like, suffer in silence, I feel a deep sense of injustice every day because of what happened to me. Meanwhile they’re laying in my room, um, they’re taking advantage of my mom—my mom’s now 70—69 year olds and she’s working. And they’re not. Um, they have my niece and nephew, thank God they’re not in their lives to be honest with you. Thank fucking God. Um, because now my nieces and nephews can um, can grow up normally, with a normal life and go onto college and have babies and anyway. Um, I hope I told this in a way that’s like tragic so that you feel what I’m going through, I’m not the best storyteller. Um, but I want you to understand what happened to me is like really, really severe. Um, I don’t know how I’m still standing today. I really don’t, I think if I had different morals I probably would’ve been gone somewhere else but something in me just keeps trying, something in me just, I keep taking courses and I keep, I just actually got hired for this really great medical company, BAYADA. And I don’t, I, I, I couldn’t tell you why I’m still standing or what I’m trying for seeing as though I’m, I still don’t know if I can have children. Um…which really, if you, if you’re a female, to have that taken away from you at 25, younger than 25 actually…it’s debilitating in every way, shape, or form you could possibly imagine.
But I still wake up and I still manage to smile, and I still manage to just like try my f-ing best despite everything and I still manage to keep the hope that I’m suffering right now because I chose to do the right thing. I mean, it would’ve been so easy to just lay up under mom and just like, completely be like the rest of them and take advantage of resources that I did not work or earn for.
But I just, I didn’t feel right, I wasn’t happy. And to be honest in a weird way, between me and you, um, I feel more free than I’ve ever felt. I feel so empowered that I actually make the decision—I mean the hardest thing was leaving my cat, to be honest with you, like, I’m so infuriated with my mom and my fa—I don’t call them my brothers. I’m so infuriated with my own community, um, that the only person, and I call her a person because she’s very, very smart, with a dope personality like mine. Um, I miss my cat, Artemis, the Goddess of hunt. I miss Artemis. Um, I named her Artemis because when I first got her, obviously, she was a virgin and which, Artemis was the virgin Goddess of hunt and cats are notorious hunters, so I just thought it was so appropriate for her. Um, anyway. Um, like as I was saying, yea, the hardest thing I had to do was leave her behind and never look back. Um, the challenges I’m facing is I’m realizing what one has to experience with no support. And when I mean no support, I don’t mean, like “Oh, I don’t kn—“ I mean like, no support one person. Which does a lot to your psyche, we weren’t meant to be alone. We were not meant to be alone. And so I’m experiencing that I have to fight through and I have to navigate myself um, because I just don’t believe in the medicines that they’re giving today. I don’t believe that I will reach a clear mind being um, medicated, on whatever they prescribe, so I’ve denied a lot of those treatments. I mean, I do take therapy to work out my issues mentally. Um, because I feel like that is going to ultimately yield the best results, um…
I’d be lying to you if I told you—I, I—like even now, like I still have it in me, I don’t know why I have this fucking high horse thing, but like, I’d be lying to you if I told you I know that, “Oh it’s a re—oh, you know, because of the choices I’ve made, I know I’ll be OK.” I know I did the right thing, like I wanna say that, because post divorce that’s just what my father instilled in me. By the way, he also left because of the lifestyle, um, they were selling drugs in his house. My brother broke his brand new Cadillac that he bought at the time, 2008 Cadillac Escalade and like, just really crazy shit that he just like walked out and my mom just kept protecting them. She just, would not take his side and would not reprimand them. And I didn’t understand at the time, I just thought, “Wow, the greatest man in the world to me actually turned out to be a dick head.” Like I was so mad at him. He tried to take me away, he tried to take my mom’s house in New York. And I just remember thinking, like, “Wow, divorce brings out a really nasty side to adults.” And it, it first made me realize like, that was my first taste actually—the hardest lesson I had to learn was from a kid to an adult, there is no such thing as when you’re in trouble, go seek out an adult, go seek out help because you’re adult, you realize every other adults…due to whatever they’ve experienced so far in life, they themselves are tainted. They themselves are only looking out for themselves. There is no one that’s gonna help you, um, because you’re in a shitty spot—scuse my language—because you’re…I just wanna make sure I’m gonna use that…yea because they’re in a precarious spot—I just wanted to make sure I was gonna use that right. Um, there’s—it’s, it’s literally a dog eat dog world, as, as far as like I’ve experienced, um, you just realize like, just the harsh realities that you’re truly alone and you need to figure out a way that’s gonna work for you and only you. Um, which is really hard for my personality, because I, I just wanna make the world better. Like if it w—in my heart and soul. I just want a happy world, I don’t think children should suffer, I don’t think children should be abandoned, because that, that, that leads to later problems. They become adults. The adults that’s gonna shape the world, we…and we can’t get into to what could’ve or what should’ve or what should be, cause that’s just nonsense and it doesn’t help anything, but…Um, I don’t know it’s just my little story of um, of realization. You know, just like becoming an adult and…
No tissues, but…
(Crying. Laughing.) Oh my God, thank you! Thank you. Um, so the moral of my story…what I really want to say…couple things. Number one: always be true to who you are. And even if you feel you’re being punished for it at certain—even if everyone is against it. Even if people tell you it’s an odd idea, it’s wrong, it’s not the majority, um, you need to look out for yourself, don’t look out for others—don’t listen to people. Always try to be better, always try to spread love, always, no matter what. You wanna know why? Because there’s so much hate in the world that, the little bit of love that you try, someone will see it. Someone will see it and whether it affects you or not, maybe you would’ve improved their day a little, maybe you would’ve just given them the hope that like, OK, let me not just like, lay on the ground and give up, you know? Let me just, let me just keep going, OK? Because life, life is too short and at the same time there’s a lot of life, you know what I mean? You don’t know what’s gonna come next, you don’t know. Um…
Number two: don’t be so happy and don’t be so full of love that you blind yourself to the dangers that are in this world. There are a lot of perilous situations and a lot of horrible people that you need to look out for. You would be stupid not to. We are animals and there are people that are a lot more animalistic than other people. Some are more cerebral, you need to—it’s up to you to figure out before you get harmed.
And number three: if you find yourself in a situation where you are harmed…remember how that feels and try your best not to emulate that. Try your best to become the exact opposite of what was done to you. Use that almost as like a blueprint of what not to do. Because at the end of the day, at the end of the day, you’re only, you’re only um, contributing, you’re only becoming part of the problem and I think we can all agree that we have enough problems. We need to find solutions. I’m happy to be alive in this day and age because I see a lot of new solutions coming about. All the questions I would ask as a little girl, like a little girl where those questions were like, “That’s not—“ They were so odd that like, I was told, “Those are not even issues.” When it was like common sense to me at the time that it was. So I’m, I’m happy to be part of a world where things are changing and yea. I have hope that as a human race we can…we can evolve.
We can evolve, you know? We can become better, um…And we can make the place better for the next generation and those who are still living, as well. So just stay happy, stay filled with love, um, if you’re going through anything, if you’ve been abused in any way, shape or form, seek help. Don’t, don’t try to internalize it, OK? Cause you’ll wind up having a mental breakdown in front of your doctor, he’ll look away and then he’ll like—just talk about it before it gets to a point where either A). you wanna hurt yourself B). You wanna hurt someone else or no, yea. Or B). You wanna hurt someone else. You don’t want it to get to that point ever, um. Because nobody wants to be around those people. And I understand that now, and it’s not—it has nothing—I’m an African American girl so I promise you I am not racist, it has nothing to do with race, but I truly understand nobody wants to be around those people as they should. So you don’t wanna become one of those people. It’s important.
Ah, that’s it.
Can I ask you a couple of questions?
Of course.
Um, you mentioned that you’re, you’re 25?
Yes—
Years old? Ok. And are you working right now?
Yes I am. I’m with a medical company, BAYADA. I’m also with another company right at home. I currently as a certified home health aid um, because I only finished a half of my program, that’s what I was eligible for, that’s what I graduated with. Um, and by the way, that school is a scam, I found out that school is a scam when I was struggling um, with everything that I was going through. Before I dropped I attempted to get um, tutoring, I, obviously I—dude I paid a lot of money, obviously I attempted to like fix the situation um. I then found out the professors weren’t actually professors, they were like people just teaching, I swear to God this is a—and at the time they were warning about all these um, schools that are—these private schools that are scams and you just never think it could happen to you. Um, but it can.
Um, I was asking for tutoring and I’ll never forget, um—and even the teachers like kinda looked at me like a teacher’s pet. Like, you know, I, I would try to do too much to like get the right care, too much to have the right answer. I would always ask like, “What’s my grade?” Like, and if it was a B, I was visibly upset. I didn’t like to have B’s and that’s my father’s fault. For every A, I got $20, for every B I got $10. So it was like…and for C’s you got nothing! So like if I got a B that was close to a C, I was just so upset. Um, so there was just one time where I—she tells me, “Alright, you’re having problems, come see me during the lunch break or after school and I’ll help you.” And I did! Like, I don’t know if she thought I wasn’t gonna, but I did and she just, she li—in front of the entire fucking school she like hid from me and ran into like the teacher’s lounge where we couldn’t follow and like, I just never forget everyone just looking at me and like laughing, like. That, that was like when I dropped the class. That was like that day, um, being humiliated that I was just like, “What am I doing?” What am I—I’m, I’m, I’m paying you a lot of money to chase you around for you to like make fun of me—like, I’m not, this is not the experience that I thought I should get. Um, heh, so that happened and I wind up with student loans that I am paying off as we speak, I’m almost done paying them off and then I will be going to Chamberlain. Um, I’ve already taken my admissions exam and I passed with flying colors, that’s never, ever the issue, uh, unfortunately she informed me, yea I did score high, but I have student loans in collections and she just can’t take me. So, and that’s what every school—I even tried stupid Lincoln Tech because I was so desperate, and they said the same thing!
So I realize the problem was financial. And I’m in the process of working that off as we speak. I, I’ve never collected um, an income tax, they were all, they all went to my student loans, not once have I ever reaped the benefits of working really hard. Not yet anyway. Um, I just feel like I’m always…it’s gonna sound depressing, but I handle myself very well, I just feel like I’m always suffering, um, and that’s not something that means like, “Ohh! I want it to end, I’m always suffering, boohoo me!—“ No. It’s just a result, it’s just a reality, you know? I’m—it’s a hard time right now and I truly in my heart believe that if I do the right thing—probably my stupid father’s like, teaching but, I truly in my heart believe that if I just continue trying and do the right thing, uh, like I saw in The Crow: “it can’t rain all the time” [Transcriber’s note: This quote is from the 1994 cult superhero movie The Crow, starring Brandon Lee], you know? Like, surely there’s better days ahead and I’ll be able to look back on this day, and I’ll come to Elijah’s Promise with my donations and my things of food like we used to do at Christmas and I’ll bring my family here, if, if—
And I’ll adopt if I have to. I was adopted. I’ll adopt if I have to, although it meant a lot to me to um, and—I d—I’m not being racist, but it meant a lot to me to raise African-Americans and have them be functioning members of society filled with love. Uh, so that people when they walk by, people aren’t scared, they’re actually admiring them for how they uphold their selves, you know? Um, it was like my little girl dream. I feel like I’m being punished for dreaming such dreams, like, who was I? Why did I ever think I should’ve…? (sighs) Anyway.
Um, yea, so like right now I work as a certified home health aid and I, I make quite a—I, I mean, for having no bills or anything, bringing home $600 a week isn’t so bad. And trust me, that’s a bad salary, OK? That’s not something you can live off of. Um, but it’s a start. Um, it’s a start that I’m happy with, uh, because like I got myself there and um, considering the alternative and what could’ve happened. You know what, I’m ok with it. And then also, it’s given me a lot of experience for nursing like um, I—of course I have to do wound care and just all the experience that I got from it is gonna help me when I finally you know, finish nursing school, I’ll be like ahead of the game a little bit, you know what I mean? I won’t be so shocked in clinicals, I won’t be so like, “Oh my God, blood!” You know what I mean, like? So everyone happens for a reason because like I was, what? 17, 18 when I was taking that nursing course and I’m telling you like, had I finished it, I probably definitely wouldn’t a been ready for the real world aspect of nursing. So, it worked—I, I like to believe and I tell myself, it worked out in some small way, so. It’s alright, so that’s where I work.
Do you have anywhere to stay right now?
Right now, so like, at this situation’s iffy like, I’m with my boyfriend right now but he has a roommate and they’re like, his roommates gonna quit his job cause they’re gonna pursue being like, music producers, like full time acts now . Um, I’ll show you a picture, he used to live in Princeton, but they just moved to North Brunswick and they bought like, this townhouse thing. Um, I stay with him at night, so I’m actually on the streets all day, I woke up, I showered, and I got ready and then he drops me off here. And, um, I don’t go back til like 1 o’clock at night, so I’m outside til 1 o’clock at night and I’m—during the day I’m homeless, but do I have a place to sleep and everything? Yea. Um, I won’t accept living with him full time only because I can’t contribute, um, in fact, he begged to just like come and not sleep outside. He’s like, “I don’t want you sleeping outside” and then I realized like, if he’s not gonna want me if I’m sleeping outside, like I’d better not sleep outside. Like I don’t wanna make my situation worse from being so um, headstrong, because I really, truly am headstrong. I just, I don’t know, I have this stupid—why can’t I think of the words I wanna say? What is wrong with my brain? That was another with the uh, disease, like the B12 intrinsic factor, like, you know that helps that helps to regulate your nerves and I was severely, I had a, a B12 deficiency so like, I’m like fighting against everything and, it’s so evil…anyway. Um, what was I saying?
Staying, being headstrong, staying with your boyfriend.
Yea, like, I have this um, idea that…it’s unacceptable for me to do anything other than what I can do for myself. And that’s just how I am, um, when I first found—when I first left and I realized how fucking hard life really is. Like how hard it was once I left my house, I um, I don’t wanna be in a shelter, I know they keep trying to urge me to go to a shelter and I don’t wanna do that. Why? Because I could’ve just stayed with the people I was with and I was already in harm’s way. I don’t—and, and then on top of that, I don’t know those people. Not that I’m being judgmental, here I go again. I’m not being judgmental, it’s just I have a certain way and a certain vision that…um, I’m gonna stick to this time. Because if I, if I deviate I feel like I can cause myself more harm, and I don’t know if I can bounce back if something else happens to me, to be quite frank. I don’t know.
So I’m just staying safe. Now I’m like traumatized to the point where I only do what I know. And I only do what I feel comfortable with and it got to a point where I was just like, you know you’re gonna have to uh, you’re gonna have to come pick me up or we’re gonna have to scout out places that I’ll sleep at at night. Something secluded, but something where there’s cameras there so if anything happens to me there will be justice for my death, that somehow means a lot to me. Justice. Um, whatever that means. Um, it got, you know, I, I mean…his roommate’s gonna be quitting his job soon and so I’m not gonna be able to sneak in at night soon, although like, I’m looking for a live-in right now for my job like, as a certified home health aide. There are live-in fill-ins and it’s so crazy, all the live-in’s that I like, oh my God, I blew through so much…like ah, just to think, like I can’t believe I’m here to the point where like, there was a point where, you know, my mom would put her card on my tablet, I would have her card on my phone, so even though I was making money, I didn’t have to spend my money. It all seems like a, a—this, this right now what I’m going through seems like a bad dream. Like it almost doesn’t seem real. Like I can’t—it’s, I like can’t believe it. It’s almost like Kobe Bryant dying, like, what?! Like, did he really die, that’s so weird. It just—it’s so weird. Like, but that’s fucking life. Like, that’s real life. Like adult life. Sadly. Some adults, not all, thank God. Thank God for that. But um, yea.
You come here to, to eat meals? Like—
I, I come here to eat meals. Otherwise I’d probably collapse in the street, so.
Is it difficult to find places to go during the day?
Definitely, especially cause the public library’s so disgusting, like, I guess every—like people that come here kind of figure to do what I figure to do. Let me just stay at the library, read some books and—well, you know, cause I—oh my God, my bag—oh it’s right here. I do out books from the library, right now I’m reading Stephen Hawking’s A Brief Time in History. Blowing my mind, like, blowing my mind. And then for um, just for black history month, Langston Hughes is my boyfriend’s favorite poet, uh, author, so. Um, but unfortunately not everyone kind of shares the same ideas as you. I mean I’m going to a public library and not once at my Sayreville Public Library did I walk outside and see needles on the ground. Not once, not ever.
Um, but unfortunately here in New Brunswick there’s dope needles on the ground, um, little Mexican kids kicking those needles not realizing. Um, just nasty people shooting up in the bathroom, I mean I, I don’t see them shooting up, but they’re in there for a long time, there’s a long line always and someone always has to knock. It’s really, it’s a treacherous—it’s really disgusting, honestly. Um, to find places to be when you’re homeless, you kind of are put in, um, a situation where you’re amongst the homeless and so…And you have to be careful, you have to be careful not to, “Oh! Don’t touch me!”
Or like, my boyfriend—we both agreed he does not allow me to dress anything tight clothing. In fact, I’m not even supposed to have this shirt on, um, but I did bring this over red shirt so when I do take off my big shirt I’ll just have like baggy stuff and then—luckily, I do kinda look like a boy. Cause when I put this on, I kinda like, kinda hide that I’m a girl. So like we kind of had this whole little thing where like, you know, um, I try my best to stay safe and to try to blend in. Um, but the things that you see, you can’t help but to like, stiffen up your upper lip and like, kinda like, what the f—get away from me. And that’s, I think, dude, I need to learn that lesson. Like I, I can’t be like that because those people, they sense that they will hurt you.
There was one dude, it’s creeping me the fu—freak out, like it’s getting to a point where I think they’re understanding the routes that I’m taking and I take them everyday, because now I’m starting to see the same people that come here to eat from the men’s shelter, somehow they’re all the way on Douglass Campus. I’m like, “What are you doing here?” I look up and he’s staring at me, smoking a cigare—no I, I’m not kidding you, I, I look up and he’s like (some look happens)…Doesn’t it look creepy?! Like, I’m like—and then I’m like, “Oh my God!” I was on—thank God I was on the phone with my mom, I was—cause I just called, she didn’t know I was homeless this entire time. I just told her. Um—
How long has it been?
Ah, this entire time, ha! It’s been since um, November, that is a long time.
It’s cold.
It’s cold, not even that, it’s just a long time! I just, I don’t, I don’t know why I didn’t expect it to be this bad, but even so I’m not shocked to the point where I’m going back to that house ever. Ever. Ever…Ever.
Um, no but it’s getting to a point where like, I, I know the regulars. Like there’s times where I’ll be eating in the soup kitchen and I’ll look up and everyone’s staring at me. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why! I, I, I don’t—I think maybe they can sense—I don’t know, I think there’s something like…I don’t know, my boyfriend just says like, “Be careful.” He says I’m really naïve, and once I get to talking I don’t shut up. Like I’m really happy, and I’m really like, “Oh, hi!” Like, I love to smile, I love to talk, I love to laugh, I love to engage and so being in that personality with certain kind of people, you’re kind of making yourself a target. And he—like my boyfriend’s scared to death, so that’s why he puts me in his sweatpants and you know. You know.
Do you have ways to keep yourself safe during the day? Anyone you can talk to to…?
I just finished, I just like linked up with my mom and I just told her. She’s like, (mocking tone) “Why don’t you come back home? You can always come back home.” I’m like, “Did you not just hear anything I said to you?” She doesn’t believe what happened. Like, til this day she’s in denial. And I’m just like, “Do you understand that by protecting your son, you’re literally disregarding, you’re dis—you’re like, discarding me. You’re discarding me! You’re like, you don’t care what I been through.” And I told, I said, “Mom, you don’t think it’s weird that I thought like I need to leave? Like, you don’t think that was weird that the youngest one in the house, the most, the least equipped for this just got up and left? And is living out there? Like you—it doesn’t ring a bell to you?” And she’s just like, I don’t know, she’s, she’s, ah, she’s really, really, I mean—the problem that I have with my mom is I’m a little bit more progressive than her. I always say she’s like, she’s born 1950s, she remembers Martin Luther King dying and I’m like, “Mom, time’s changing, like your mentality’s kind of fucking old, ancient and stupid.” And that’s where we started to like butt heads um, it doesn’t mean I don’t love her, I totally love her, it’s just, we just don’t see eye to eye. Um, and so she just, I mean she witnessed her mom get raped as a, as a young girl. The guy just came in their house, raped her, and left. And like at the time the police, I mean she was an African American woman, so it was just like, whatever, you know? But so she kinda has the mentality of whatever, keep pushing. Whatever, just keep going.
Like, and—I mean, it—it’s admirable cause when I watched her go through the divorce, like not—and you see a lot of these girls it’s so sad their moms are like kicking them out, they’re in shelters, they’re on the street cause their mom are having sex with multiple guys just to keep the house over their head. My mom never, not once I mean, she was like, “You want a divorce, g’head. Take the house? G’head.” And she just kept pushing. You know? She just worked, and she just kept doing it, so I think that mindset is both a curse and a blessing, um, it’s getting me to get through what I’m getting through, but at the same time when I look back and that’s a problem that the African-American community has. I looked back for support, she’s nowhere to be found. You’re supporting these drug dealing, drug addict, um, deadbeat fathers who do harm on people and lord knows what they’ve gotten away with. You’re supporting them, why? Because you feel like they need it a little more? That doesn’t make sense to me. Like, I need it. I need it. Ok? Like, but um, you know, we’re at odds and that, so like right now I just, I, I don’t wanna be consumed with hate, so I forgave her and um, she actually, she’s my emotional support, cause my boyfriend he’s very uh, stolic, he’s very logical. Um, he’s very worried about me working in um, getting to a financial por—uh, point where we can buy the apartment together. He didn’t want a roommate, he kept asking me to do it, but I wasn’t financially ready. So he’s just, he knows that all of my problems are stemming from that, so nothing else makes sense to him, and he wants to get me there. Whereas there’s times were I feel like, how am I gonna get there if I can’t think straight because I’m so distraught? That’s when my mom comes in, she—that’s all she’s good for. She’s talking on the phone like, “Mom, this guy’s creeping me out, stay on the phone with me” like. You know what I mean? And, and that’s so funny because once I saw him, I was just like, I looked at him like he was mad, and then he like walked away. Eh—I guess he realized like, oh she’s learning someone. So like, and I—oh God.
But um, anyway, and there was another like he just keeped offering to walk me to the library and then he’ll say like, “There’s a lotta creeps out here, and they don’t care that you’re wearing all those baggy clothes. You think you’re doing something hiding, let me walk with you.” And I’m just like, “Yea, I know. Eh, I know.” I know.
So I’m like in this weird position, um, sooner or later I’m gonna have to stop coming here. Um, because I feel like I’m getting too familiar, they’re getting too familiar with me, which is a problem. So soon I’ll have to find somewhere else to go. I mean, I hope they have other places like this. I’ve never (sighs), it’s so sad, you would think someone like me would know all the resources for someone in my tax bracket, um, but I don’t. I don’t. I, I’m—how did I find out about this place? Oh my God, my therapist. My therapist told me, and I was going to her just so that I continued to fight for me. Like I, she was just like, “You need more than just therapy.” She’s like, “you need help, go to these people—“ you know what I mean? And she helped me out cause she interned for Marisol and Milton. So like, that ultimately led me here and you know, I can’t go to welfare or social services, I make too much. Even though I’m, I make nothing. Like it’s so, I’m in this weird bracket. At the end of the day, I really don’t want their fucking help. I’m like, “You’ve guys taken enough of my taxes, just help, help those people. Just make sure my taxes aren’t already going to the rich.” That’s, whatever, like, you can’t help me that’s fine. I’m obsessed with Kim. Why? I’m like, obsessed with her.
Have you talked with Marisol and Milton about finding other resources?
Yea, but they gave time to tell me they do like these affordable housing and they don’t understand that like, I’m not—because they deal with so many people, I think they can’t hear, “Listen, I need help trying to be a functioning member of society. I don’t want your housing. I don’t want food stamps. Like, if I could just myself, if you can help me, want to help me pay off my student loans, so I can get back in school, I’ll do it my fucking self.” That’s all I want, is the opportunity to do it myself. And I don’t wanna get caught up in um—I have to get off Instagram—um, I don’t wanna get caught up in this lifestyle that I see because it’s easy to be complacent.
[phone buzzes)
Oh that’s my Bixby. Um, I, I have a set goal. Like I have like blinders on, and I know—and they say, they’re like “You know, you’re really stupid—“ there was one girl that I met and I told her about Elijah’s Promise and I brought her here. And—cause there’s something called the PATH program and she was mentally you know, she went to a hospital. Her life, was she was a 50 year old woman, her husband divorced her, she was like, really, really—she really needed help. So I brought her here and I, I showed her everything they showed me and I was supposed to be signed up for something and I completely just told them to focus on her. And they got mad at me, they’re like, “You kinda wasted our time, we set this all up for you and your deal. Like I, I admire what you did, it was nice what you did and everything, but…You kinda just screwed yourself over of getting help,” and I didn’t realize at the time what they meant, like, but now, even now I feel like, did I really screw myself over from getting help? Like, I don’t know what that means. And, and I might be stu—I, I may be stupid and I may regret these decisions that I’m making, leaving my house so abruptly, not accepting certain helps. Uh, but I have to try. I have to try. Otherwise I wouldn’t be me. So. If I sound stupid, don’t necessarily take everything I’m doing as like a guideline or “Oh, this is what you should be doing. This is the right way to go about it to—“ Cause to be honest, I, I really don’t know. I won’t know til I’m 50 and I can look back and tell you where I went wrong, you know? I’m try—I’m literally trial and error because I have no support to tell me you don’t wanna do that, you wanna avoid that and then do that. I have to try it, find out I did it wrong, and then go back and do it again. Which is painful and annoying, but um, that’s all I know. So. Any other questions?
How long have you been in New Brunswick? You said you grew up in Sayreville and then you came here very recently?
Very, very recently, um, after I moved from my mom’s house, I was in North Brunswick with my boyfriend. I just recently came to New Brunswick, um, not even a month ago. Before then I exhausted all my money on hotels, I was living in hotels and that proved to be really, really expensive especially the ones where you want to be comfortable. Um, so I blew all my money trying to live, trying to make it as an adult. Not making smart decisions. Um, because later on I found out, you can rent a room—fuck—I’m like spending all that money on a hotel weekly, this is weekly not monthly, so like, I fucked myself over to the point where I di—completely spent all my savings and um, now I’m in New Brunswick only because there’s—this place seems to have the most resources for the, the poverty population, the poor population, the destitute. Whatever you wanna say. So that’s pretty much why I’m here, um, but I, I think it’s clear I don’t plan to be here a long, um, I don’t plan to be here long at all. I’m surprised that I’m still here, quite frankly, I’m just like, “Why the fuck?” Because I’m highly, um, highly recommended, like I don’t know why it has to be the company that doesn’t have the cases that I’m looking for because they do have a lot of cases but unfortunately I don’t have a car to get to them. So I can only take what’s in my means, otherwise I’ll tarnish my image at my job. Like I don’t wanna become that unreliable like, person, you know what I mean? Like I, it means a lot to me so I don’t take the live-ins, and I’m just—I mean, I don’t take the hourly’s, and I’m just waiting on a live-in. So that’s literally—and I mean, I applied to another job, so I’m under three agencies now, which is probably a little bit too much. I probably like, did a little bit too much, but, I’m doing everything I can, I’m gonna try everything I can. Um, hopefully that doesn’t wind up screwing me over, but as of right I am waiting on a job opportunity basically. That is already set in motion, that’s not like a hope and a dream, just waiting.
Is the transportation one of the main challenges? Relying on buses and what not?
Absolutely. Um, and I only take the Rutgers bus. I only take the Rutgers buses, um, for some reason I don’t know, I d—I know college kids are capable of fucking, fucked up shit too but, they’re not hurt to a point where oh they’re gonna stock you and you’re gonna find out like, “Oh, this person’s been following me for so long—“ like no, you know what I mean? So like, I feel more comfortable taking their transportation and plus it’s free! It was free. I’m like, “how much do I owe you?” And they’re like, “Uh, it’s free.” And I—so stupid (chuckles)
(chuckles)
I’m like, “Alright, just gonna go sit down now.” Um, but yea—I gotta heat up my tea—um—
Have you tried any of the Code Blue shelters, do you feel safe going to those?
No that’s—they were explaining how like you’re just like, in a room with a bunch of people—no! Like if you’re gonna put me—I, I, I wanna be safe—the re—that’s part of my trauma, it’s why I left my house. Like if I’m gonna be in a situation where I, I feel like I’m not safe, it doesn’t make sense to me. And I’d rather sleep alone um, you know, I have my tablet, like I will have it on record all night, you know what I mean? I’ve planned this all out in my head, just in case it does come to that. Um, I don’t wanna be with the population, Ok? Because I know, because I know that hurt people hurt people. I’ve exp—I’d be an idiot to throw myself in that situation again, it doesn’t make sense. And so I’m gonna take my chances out on my own, and I don’t care where that brings me, at least I know it’s by myself, no one’s gonna hurt me every again and you know, if I succumb to just life’s elements, what—I mean it’s life, like that’s life, you know what I mean? Like, I am still an animal, I’m ok with that. But I’m not ok with like, (puts on newscaster voice) “Oh my God, she was so young, with so much promise—“ this is the news, “She was so young, with so much promise and now she’s like dead, and where was her family? Where was her mom?” Like—whatever like, you know what I mean, like? (sighs in disgust)
I’m so done with that. OK.
Anything else you wanna share?
Um, just stay strong and keep your ambitions and you know…I really…mm, I shouldn’t say that…Just keep, just keep your good fight, just keep going no matter what you look like, no matter what the world perceives you as, as long as you have that um, clear mental image of what you want to do, fucking do it. OK? There are—I mean, Tom Hanks lived in his car—Tom Cru—Tom Cruise? Yea, Tom Cruise lived in his car before he became Tom Cruise, like…keep fighting, like just keep going. And just don’t give up. I want to say don’t seek help from the government um, because there’s just, I don’t know, I just have a bad stigma with that. I just—everyone I know who’s on that, I don’t like them, so I think I’m kind of associating. Uh, but um, try to do everything yourself, just try to be independent because that way you, you actually learn more, you know? You’re gaining the experience and the knowledge which honestly is, when it’s all said and done, and I, and I take care of old people so I know this for a fact. When it’s all said and done and you’re money doesn’t mean anything, you can’t travel anywhere and all you have is your aching bones and yourself, what’s gonna matter is what you learned over the time and what you’ve done with it. Um, so stay, stay very alert. Stay in the moment, work really, really hard, so that maybe one day later you can relax and you can just help your next genera—your children or whoever it may be to do better than what you did. Because that, that’s the goal. That’s the goal.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Thank you so much.
You’re welcome.