Chiropractor in Texas

This Chiropractor in Texas discusses her abortion experiences and the physical and emotional processes that came along with them. She tells her story so that others do not have to feel alone.

“There are people who go through multiple abortions, and you only hear talk about, talk from, women who can’t conceive. You never hear about women who conceive so many times when they don’t want to. And I feel like that also adds to the frustration because I know I can’t be the only person out there that’s felt like this. It’s just like a hidden narrative it seems like.”
— Chiropractor in Texas

ANNOTATIONS

1. Medical Abortion - While medical abortions, also known as abortion pills, are proven to be safe and effective forms of pregnancy termination, the effects of the pills can vary severely from person to person. As the narrator recounts in her interview, the experience can even vary for an individual that has experienced multiple abortions. The process is similar to a miscarriage and typically involves heavy bleeding, cramping, and passing clots or tissue. The bleeding usually lasts for a few days to a few weeks. For some individuals, the pain that comes with having a medical abortion resembles period cramps. For others, the pain can be excruciating and challenging to manage without the support of a medical professional. Many experience other symptoms like fever, muscle spasms, chills, diarrhea, and vomiting. However, according to multiple interviews done by The 19th News, most of those who experienced an abortion say that the relief of no longer being pregnant outweighed the pain and troubles they went through.
2. Birth Control - While condoms and birth control pills are the most well-known forms of contraceptives in the United States, there are several types of birth control available on the market. Some of the most common types include condoms, cervical caps, IUDs, diaphragms, birth control pills, hormonal injections and patches, and sterilization. According to a 2017 study by the CDC, the most common contraceptive methods used in the overall age range 15–49 were female sterilization (18.6%), birth control pill (12.6%), IUDs (10.3%), and condoms (8.7%). The copper IUD the narrator refers to is called the ParaGard, a T-shaped plastic device that is inserted into the uterus and can provide long-term birth control. A copper wire coiled around the device produces a toxic inflammatory reaction to sperm and eggs, preventing pregnancy. It can prevent pregnancy for up to ten years after insertion.
3. Roe v. Wade - The Roe v. Wade case was a landmark decision by the United States Supreme Court in 1973 that legalized abortion nationwide. The case originated in Texas and involved a woman named "Jane Roe," whose real name was Norma McCorvey. At the time, Texas had a law that criminalized abortion except to save the mother's life. McCorvey, who was pregnant and unable to obtain a legal abortion in Texas, filed a lawsuit challenging the constitutionality of the state's abortion ban. In a 7-2 ruling in McCorvey's favor, the Court held that a woman's right to have an abortion was protected under the Fourteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, specifically through the right to privacy. The Court recognized that this right to privacy extended to a woman's decision to terminate a pregnancy. Unfortunately, on June 24, 2022, nearly 50 years after the original decision, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, holding that there was no longer a federal constitutional right to an abortion.
4. Post-Abortion Support, Abortion Grief - Abortion grief refers to the emotional and psychological distress experienced by some individuals after undergoing an abortion or being involved in the decision-making process. It is important to note that not all individuals who have had an abortion will experience grief, and the intensity and duration of the grief can vary from person to person. Abortion grief is a complex and individualized experience influenced by various factors such as personal circumstances, beliefs, and support systems. For some individuals, seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals can be helpful in processing and navigating these emotions. Support groups or counseling services for individuals who have experienced abortion can also provide a safe space to share experiences and find healing.
5. Medical Abortion - Medical abortion, also known as the abortion pill, is a safe and effective non-surgical method used to terminate a pregnancy. It involves using two medications, mifepristone and misoprostol, taken in sequence. Mifepristone, which is taken first, works by blocking the hormone progesterone, which is necessary for maintaining the pregnancy. Without progesterone, the lining of the uterus breaks down, and the pregnancy cannot continue. Misoprostol, which is taken 24 to 48 hours after mifepristone, causes the uterus to contract and expel the pregnancy. This process is similar to a miscarriage and typically involves heavy bleeding, cramping, and passing clots or tissue. The bleeding usually lasts for a few days to a few weeks. According to UC San Francisco Health, the pills used for medical abortions have been studied for over twenty years and no long-term risks have been reported. In the wake of the 2022 Roe v. Wade decision, the demand for mail-order abortion pills skyrocketed in the United States.
6. Ectopic Pregnancy - An ectopic pregnancy, or tubal pregnancy, occurs when a fertilized egg implants and grows outside the uterus, typically in the fallopian tube. Ectopic pregnancies are considered medical emergencies because they can lead to life-threatening complications for the pregnant person. As the pregnancy progresses, the fallopian tube or other tissue may not be able to accommodate the growing embryo, leading to the risk of rupture and severe internal bleeding. According to Cleveland Clinic, ectopic pregnancies are uncommon and occur in about 2% of all pregnancies; however, there are several risk factors that could increase a person's chance of developing an ectopic pregnancy. People that have an IUD in place, or have a history of tubal ligation at the time of conception, have a higher risk of developing an ectopic pregnancy. This is due to IUDs and tubal ligation working to create an undesirable environment to prevent sperm from contacting eggs. This becomes dangerous when an egg is successfully fertilized but begins growing in a more desirable environment in the body such as the fallopian tube or cervix, resulting in an ectopic pregnancy.
7. Access to Healthcare - In the months following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, nearly half of the states in the United States have either banned abortion or passed hostile laws against those seeking abortions. The prohibition and lack of legal protection in these states have led to a surge of people traveling outside their state lines to states where the procedure is still legal. While many states have enacted criminal penalties for residents seeking outside care, some states like New Jersey and New York have begun passing interstate shield laws. According to the Center for Reproductive Rights, these laws protect abortion providers and helpers in states where abortion is protected and accessible from civil and criminal consequences from abortion care provided to an out-of-state resident. In addition, abortion advocacy nonprofit groups in abortion-banning states, like the Texas Equal Access Fund based in Dallas, Texas, have begun funding the travel and medical expenses of those seeking outside help.
8. Abortions Later in Pregnancy - In the past few years, the term "late-term abortion" has been used by anti-abortionists to describe abortions obtained at or after twenty-one weeks. Typically, abortions are performed during the first twelve weeks of pregnancy. However, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, "late-term abortion" has no medical meaning, nor is there a consensus around which gestational age it refers to. According to a 2019 study by KFF, abortions at or after twenty-one weeks are uncommon and represent one percent of all abortions in the US. Abortions that are done at this stage are often challenging to obtain, as they are expensive, time-intensive, and only performed by a small subset of abortion providers.
9. Birth Control - Although there are a variety of birth control options available on the market, many people face difficulties assessing which one will be compatible with their bodies. A majority of contraceptives, with the exception of condoms, diaphragms, cervical caps, and sponges, are hormonal. These include pills, IUDs, shots, implants, and vaginal rings. Hormonal contraceptives influence a person's hormone levels, preventing mature eggs from being released by the ovaries (ovulation). While hormonal contraceptives are very effective at preventing pregnancy, they do run the risk of side effects such as hormonal imbalance, changes in menstruation, high blood pressure, and more.
10. Reproductive Rights, Access to Healthcare - After the U.S. Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade in July 2022, Texas' trigger ban, which criminalizes abortion, took effect in August 2022. Before the total state-wide ban, Texas had a long history of enforcing anti-abortion laws. The most recent occurred in 2021 with the enactment of the Heartbeat Bill, which bans abortions at about six weeks from the patient’s last menstrual period, which is when proponents claim that a "fetal heartbeat" can be detected. The bill has also been labeled the bounty law as it allows Texan citizens to take civil action against those who have had an abortion. According to the Texas Department of State Health Services, an average of 50,000 Texans lost access to the hospitals and health clinics they depended on for abortions and for affordable healthcare. The new laws were rightfully met with outrage and evoked discussions about Texas' complex history of restrictive abortion laws. Before the Roe v. Wade decision in 1973, Texas had strict laws that criminalized abortion except to save the mother's life. Interestingly enough, the case of Roe v. Wade originated in Texas, where a woman named "Jane Roe" challenged the state's abortion ban. After the Roe v. Wade decision, Texas, like other states, had to revise its laws to comply with the newly established legal framework. However, Texas always stayed at the forefront of efforts to impose restrictions on abortion rights since then.

TRANSCRIPT

Interview conducted by Dan Swern

Conducted Remotely

March 17, 2023

Transcription by Allison Baldwin

Annotations by Lanai McAuley

0:00

Today is Friday, March 17, 2023, it is 12:03 pm Eastern Time. My name is Dan Swern, from coLAB Arts. I am conducting this interview virtually and I am here interviewing

I’m [Redacted] [laughs]

[Redacted], thank you so much for being available and sharing your story with us and whenever you’re ready, feel free to start from the beginning.

Yeah, I guess that the beginning for me was about five years ago. I was 20, about to turn 21. I was about to graduate from undergrad. I was fixing to start grad school. I was dating someone at the time. I was in a pretty serious relationship and I became pregnant. I was in complete shock when that happened. I knew I didn’t want to be pregnant with a child at that point in my life. I didn’t think that I could handle it, emotionally, financially. And then I think on some level the partner I was with wasn’t someone I could see myself being with long term or raising a child with, so I found out about Aid Access, actually through my partner, and I proceeded to have a medical abortion. That whole process– I think I was almost– looking back I can see that I was on an autopilot mode. It feels like I was very fight or flight and I did not allow myself to process any of the grief that I would later come to feel, or any of the other emotions that were associated with that traumatic event. It was very much a situation where I knew I didn’t want to become pregnant and I didn’t want to sacrifice what I thought my life would look like by having a child at that point. So, I just kind of autopiloted my way through that instance and I wasn’t very open about it in the sense that–

[Editor’s Note: Aid Access is a non-profit organization that provides safe and affordable medical abortion pills to people in countries where access to abortion is restricted or banned. The organization was founded in 2018 by a Dutch doctor, Dr. Rebecca Gomperts, who also founded Women on Web, a telemedicine abortion service. Aid Access provides online consultations and prescriptions for the abortion pill, which is a safe and effective method of terminating a pregnancy up to 10 weeks gestation. The organization then ships the medication directly to the person's home, along with instructions on how to use it. Since the overturn of Roe v. Wade, Aid Access and other medical abortion services have risen in popularity in the United States.]

I told all my friends. And my partner knew, obviously, but I didn’t tell any of my immediate family and my friends that I did tell about that situation, I kind of just brushed it off. I was like, “Oh yeah, I was pregnant and I had an abortion and, uh, like it sucked, but it’s done.” Um, and I thought it was important that people I was close to knew that I had gone through that because, at that point, everyone who was in my friend circle, as far as I was aware, no one had gone through an abortion. Also at that point none of my friends had ever been pregnant and proceeded to have a kid. So, I felt that I should be honest at least, but didn’t really think about any of the support that I needed from my friends or from my partner, I kind of just went through it.

After that situation, I knew that that was something I never wanted to go through again, just because, you know, it is very stressful. And there were a lot of emotions that I was just kind of stuffing down inside myself that I knew I didn’t want to experience again, so I decided to get a copper IUD in hopes that I would never get pregnant again when I wasn’t intending to. I got the IUD maybe a year and a half after I had had my first abortion.

[Annotation 2]

5:15

And then, I guess the next big thing in my story is that maybe a couple of months ago, whenever Roe vs. Wade got overturned, it was a very– a very– it was a very hard day for me to just go through. I don’t even think I would describe it as triggering because it was so much more than that. Especially being a woman that lives in Texas. Just being a woman living in Texas is infuriating. But after that I– after Roe vs. Wade got overturned I realized that I should probably talk to my therapist about the abortion that I had had.

I had been working with my therapist for probably about a year and I was so removed from the trauma of my first abortion that I didn’t even think it was something that I needed to bring up with my therapist. And then when I did bring it up, I was just like, “I had an abortion and I don’t think I’ve ever actually processed it.” And she helped me realize that there was an insane amount of grief that I was feeling that I had never allowed myself to heal from and that I had never thought about what I actually needed in my situation. So, it was healing for me to go through that and to realize that.

And I guess the last part of my story would be, in the beginning of this year, in January 2023– had to think about what year it was, I found out I was pregnant again and I had gotten pregnant on the copper IUD that I had. I was a day late. And since I had been pregnant before any time that I’m a day late, I’m paranoid, obviously, but I always check and it was positive. In that instance, I felt like I was on an episode of Pranked. That’s the only way I can describe how I was feeling. I’m sure my mouth was on the floor. I was just totally shocked. And the first person that I told was someone that I considered to be my best friend, and she’s actually, she was one of the first people I told the last time I was pregnant. Her reaction was kind of the same as mine. She was like, “You’re joking. This is a prank.” I was like, “No,” because she was aware that I had an IUD. I was like, “No,” and the first thing that popped into my head when I saw that I was pregnant again was, I kind of I want to sit there and, say, being older—I’m 25 now—and going through therapy and just being more mature, I was able to sit there and think, “Okay, I’m pregnant, what does this mean?” And, again, I came to the same conclusion that I wasn’t ready to have a kid. I think emotionally I am more– I think I am in a state where emotionally I could handle that, could handle having a kid now, but financially it still just isn’t– it isn’t the right time.

[Annotation 3]

[Annotation 4]

10:12

I am with a different partner now. Again, it’s a serious relationship, but we had never even talked about having a kid. We had never even talked about if we wanted kids. It had just never come up and we had never talked about what it would look like if we got pregnant when we weren’t planning to become pregnant so, um, I called my best friend first and she said, “Well, what are you going to do?,” and I said, “Well, my gut reaction to this was kind of the same as last time. I can’t have a kid right now.”

And I told her I’m just going to do the same thing as last time. I’m going to go through and have another medical abortion and I was like, “It will be fine.” I think I was in so much shock that I almost reverted to how I emotionally processed the first abortion. I was– I was just kind of saying like, “Oh, this will be easy. I’ve done this before. I know what to do now. I don’t have to wait to try and figure out how I am going to have an abortion. I know what to do. All I have to do is wait for the pills to get to me.” And then, the next person that I told was my boyfriend. And he was actually out of town at the time when I told him, and for some reason he wasn’t as surprised when I told him. But he asked me what I wanted to do and he said that he would support me regardless of what decision I made, but he kind of shared that he wasn’t ready to have a kid either. I was like, we’re on the same page. And then I think that night I went and started the process again with Aid Access of ordering the pills, and then just kind of, it wasn’t necessarily stress that set in but it was almost a feeling of desperation that set in, that I started feeling because I was like, “How could this happen twice? How could this happen when I’m on an IUD?” I started feeling so incredibly frustrated with my body for, you know, having to undergo this again.

And then it’s also worth noting that, for like, the last two or three days before I took a test, I was having some, some, um, I thought they were just period cramps, they felt different, but I was supposed to be getting my period so I didn’t think anything of it. Then when I found out I was pregnant I was like, “Okay, well, that makes sense. The pain that I’ve been having is different, and then it made me start thinking, you know, what if this is an ectopic pregnancy since I had an IUD after all. And then it made me, you know, kind of scared because again, living in Texas I was like, “If this is ectopic, that could put my life on the line and I’m just going to have to wait around to get, or to have a miscarriage, if that’s the case, unless I, you know, want to fly out of state somewhere, which I could afford to do that.” But there’s just kind of this whole cloud of thoughts. And I was very frustrated at the situation.

[Annotation 6]

[Annotation 7]

15:00

And I was frustrated at my body. And then I think it’s also just kind of isolating to be frustrated at your body for being able to conceive when you’re not wanting to multiple times, when the common narrative I feel like is centered on women who cannot conceive when they want to, and it’s almost like a battle between trying to justify not feeling guilty for that mindset. Um, so that’s kind of what I went through that night.

I was stressed for sure, but I think it was more the despair of realizing that I had to go through this again. And the first thing that I did after is I went to my OB-GYN that I’ve been going to for the past couple years and she is aware that I had had the previous abortion, but she wasn’t involved in any kind of part of that, so I made an appointment with her instead of finding a new doctor just because I wanted to get into see someone really fast and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t ectopically pregnant. So I was able to get in and see her the next day, pretty much, and she– she removed my IUD and I was also kind of thinking my IUD moved, or got misplaced, or maybe it wasn’t where it was supposed to be, but she said it was where it was supposed to be, which was almost even more frustrating. And she threw it away and she did an ultrasound, and at this point I was thinking, well let’s find out if it’s ectopic or uterine and from the ultrasound it was a uterine pregnancy, which was also shocking because I seemed to have a healthy pregnancy on an IUD. And my doctor asked me how I was feeling and I was like I’m in shock and she kind of asked me what I was thinking about doing because again she knew that I had the abortion previously, and clearly I’m not trying to get pregnant if I have a copper IUD. And I– it’s very awkward in Texas because there are a lot of women and a lot of women OB-GYN’s who are not supportive of reproductive rights, and that was kind of how she was leaning, and I know that just from interacting with her. Which is why I ultimately wanted to find a new doctor, but I just told her that I didn’t know what I was going to do and that I was waiting to see if it was ectopic because then I wouldn’t have a decision to make and I kind of just left it at that.

I didn’t want to go into the whole thing of like I’ve already ordered abortion pills with her. The next thing she told me, I still think about this to, like, this day, but she told me that sometimes people get pregnant when they don’t want to and then when they are trying to conceive they can’t, and I think that’s a totally true statement, but it was also probably the least helpful thing she could have said to me in that moment. And you would also think that if someone can conceive on an IUD, they should have no problem conceiving later on. It just, uh, that is something that I would never say to any woman ever and that was when I knew that I was probably never going to see her again. But she had sent me to get bloodwork done because I had caught it so early. I mean, they tell you that you’re four weeks pregnant, but I was probably only three weeks pregnant at the time and she, you could barely see anything on the ultrasound. It was there, but you couldn’t see a whole lot, so she sent me for bloodwork to check if my HCG levels were trending appropriately because she did tell me that since I conceived on an IUD, I may end up miscarrying naturally regardless.

My bloodwork was trending normal and again I had conceived on an IUD and I was not going to have a natural miscarriage based on that bloodwork. But when I had gotten the bloodwork done I had to go up to a different office in the same medical complex, um, I was just taking in my surroundings and everyone who was up there in that complex was there either getting bloodwork done like I was for the same reason: they were pregnant and they were checking it or, um, I guess I don’t really know, but everyone who was in that office aside from myself was with their spouse, partner, boyfriend, whatever. I was the only one alone and I was also, it seemed like, that was the only one that was not excited about being pregnant, about getting bloodwork done to see if my baby was healthy. It was all very isolating and something that I had never had to go through the last time I was pregnant, because the last time I was pregnant I wasn’t on an IUD so I didn’t have to go through all the steps to see if it was ectopic, to see if it was healthy, if I was going to miscarry naturally.

23:05

But that doctor's experience, it was– it wrecked me. It wrecked me and also I got a copy of the ultrasound, and again it didn’t really show anything, and that was the first time I had an ultrasound print handed to me. And then my doctor, she proceeded to tell me which prenatal vitamins I needed to take almost with the assumption that I was going to go through with the pregnancy and then she said to call back in three weeks and, “We can get you set up, and we can start a new profile for you.” I left that appointment and, like when I got to my car, I just started bawling. I felt so alone, one because I was having to go through that process alone and I didn’t have to do that last time. I didn’t have to go to a doctor or do any of that. I felt alone and unsupported because my partner was still out of town and he was not doing the best job of communicating with me. I felt that I was not a priority to him at the time because he had other priorities.

And then, there still wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I wanted to have an abortion, but it was just all of the emotional pain, having to go through this, feeling like I was alone. And then, again I was talking to a couple of people who I considered to be my best friends, and I was telling them all the details of what I had gone through, but still none of them had ever been pregnant, none of my friends had ever gone through an abortion that I’m aware of. And no one, no one could relate with what I was going through and it made me feel unsupported, even though they were trying. It was just a very isolating experience, especially if you don’t know someone who has gone through it before. And I’m going to go a step further and say if you don’t know someone who is a woman who has gone through it before. Because, my boyfriend, his previous partner years ago, he act– they went through an abortion, but it’s definitely not the same and I guess I can circle back to that at a later point because it does come up again, but I think it’s hard for men to realize what’s going on in this situation because they aren’t physically going through it. I think they can definitely emotionally feel that pain, but I just think it’s different when it’s your own body and your own health and all of that.

So at that point, I was feeling so, just, overwhelmed I guess, and I was sad isn’t the right word, disappointed in myself and I was just feeling really lost, but I actually realized at that point that I just need someone to tell me that it’s going to be okay, so I actually went and told my mom which I had not done with my previous abortion. But I went and told my mom and she was as shocked as I was and, um, I appreciate her so much because she asked me if I could get a refund on the IUD because I had only had it for the two years out of ten that I was supposed to work, but she had just asked me what I was thinking and I told her that I didn’t think that there was any way that I could have this baby, and she said that she thinks I was doing what was best, making the decision that was best for you, and she was supportive and I wasn’t surprised because my mom has never done anything or said anything that has made me think that my mom doesn’t think that women should have reproductive rights, but it’s not something that we’ve ever really talked about, her and I, because that’s not the type of relationship we have, but talking to her and letting her know what was going on made me feel so much better. And I’m glad that I felt comfortable enough with her to be honest about this. And then, she kind of asked me, how could I go about doing that, and I told her that there was this company online that you could get pills from and have a medical abortion. I still haven’t told her about the previous abortion that I’ve had. Honestly, that’s something that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do.

[Annotation 5]

30:15

I feel like there’s more trauma associated with like, hey this really traumatic thing happened to me three or four years ago and I didn’t tell you and I’m just not ready to do that. But at this point, it had been three or four days since I had ordered the pills and the process was starting. And then my boyfriend came back in town and I had to have like a really hard talk with him, basically tell him that I was not feeling supported by him, um, actually let me backtrack because I had to do that after I had the actual abortion. So I had got the pills in about two weeks and I had, my boyfriend had offered to be with me while I was going through this, and due to weird tornado weather here in Texas and his work schedule I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, and I also just kind of wanted to do it in my home and he wasn’t with me, so, I understand, but he didn’t really do anything to compensate for not being with me physically and when it actually– and so when I started taking the pills–

I think my mother had left to go somewhere and I think my brother was here for some reason but he left and I didn’t really say anything the last time I had the medical abortion. It went fine, I mean, I started bleeding and having some cramping. I wasn’t having any adverse effects. It wasn’t too severe, so I was like, “I can do this alone.” You know they tell you not to do it alone. But I made the mistake of putting the pills under my tongue instead of inserting them vaginally, which the last time I had an abortion I did insert them vaginally and putting them under my tongue made me so nauseated and nauseous. I started throwing up, I got a fever right after, shaking horribly. My whole just GI system shut down and I was throwing up, diarrhea, everything for about thirty minutes. Since it had been thirty minutes since I had put the pills under my tongue, I had decided to take two more pills just because I had thrown up so soon afterwards and I didn’t want to see and wait if the dosage I took was enough so I took two more pills and put them in my cheeks.

[Annotation 1]

And by that time, my mom had come back home and she was like, “I didn’t know it was going to be like this,” and I was like, it wasn’t, I didn’t say this, but in my head I was like, “It wasn’t like this last time.” I didn’t know either. I was like these are all normal side effects that could happen and after an hour I wasn’t throwing up anymore. I wasn’t having diarrhea. I still had a fever. But then after about two hours, I finally started to bleed. The cramping was really severe.

35:00

But I, it was to the point that I feel like I knew what to expect and I didn’t need to go to the hospital or anything like that, and my bleeding slowed down about four hours after I started bleeding and I was able to get some sleep. It was a much more physically painful experience this time around, which I was not expecting. For some reason I thought it would be easier, I guess because I had done it before, but it was the total opposite. And the next day I was just incredibly drained, emotionally and physically and I think it took me about a week, like seven full days to stop bleeding and then in that same amount of time, it took me that long to regain my energy and just my mental state of feeling like myself again. And right after that, after I had the abortion, like two or three days later is when I had to have that talk with my boyfriend and I had to say, you know, you weren’t there for me in the way that I needed you to be and part of that is my fault for not communicating with you, but I also thought that you would show up for me without me having to tell you what I need.

And, you know, I also had one of my really close friends that I told about the situation and you know I had told her that I had the abortion and afterwards she didn’t even ask me how I was feeling or how I was doing, and I almost had to confront her as well, and I texted her and said, you know, “I told you I had an abortion and you didn’t even ask me how I was doing.” That was incredibly traumatic. “And you– your response was to not even text me or ask how I was doing. Not even to ask how I was doing.”

And I think Dan, you had asked me if I had felt supported the second time around, and I think everyone was supportive of my decision to have an abortion. I’m not going to say it’s an easy thing to do, but I think within my circle that’s the easy part, saying I support you, but then the hard part is actually showing up to support my physical needs, or my emotional needs, or even just being there for me going through this. And that latter part is how I really realized I wasn’t being supported though this. And it was a lot to go through that realization, um, because part of me thought that this was going to be like last time, that I was just going to be able to go through it and just be on autopilot and that’s not what happened at all. Which is healthy, I don’t think it’s healthy to go through something like this and be on autopilot, but it was very hard and it just made me realize that I need to, I need to be aware of how I need support. On the other hand, there were a lot of people supporting me. I had a lot of people checking in on me that I didn’t expect to and being supportive of me, but they weren’t my best friend and my boyfriend. Those were just two people that I was really disappointed in, and it even made me consider my relationships with my family members.

40:00

My mom knew, and I was even in a place where I was just going to tell my brother, which again, I didn’t tell him the last time I was going through this. But I told him about and he never once afterward asked me how I was doing, how I was feeling, if I was okay, if I needed anything, which is kind of on par for the type of communication him and I have, but it was just isolating, very isolating and it was something that I had to work through with my therapist: the physical pain and the emotional pain going through this process again and it’s also, like, the unknown, because now I’m in the state of resetting and I’m trying to find another birth control option, which is also really frustrating because it's like, what is going to work for me if an IUD will not? Thankfully I did find a new OB-GYN that is very supportive of women's reproductive rights in Texas and I like her a lot and she’s much more on the pace of what I expect from an OB.

But it’s still– it’s been a very upsetting and traumatic experience, and again, it’s just like, I never want to go through this again, especially after going through it twice, but this is also kind of why I wanted to do this. Because I felt so– I felt so alone through this process even though I had so many people around me, and I think it would be so much less isolating if there was someone that I had been able to talk to. Someone who had been through what I was going through.

So, that’s why I wanted to share my story. And, also I guess to shed light on the fact that there are people who go through multiple abortions. I guess, after you know the first time I had an abortion, for some reason, I don’t know why I thought this, I thought the narrative was, “Oh, women usually have one abortion and then they get their shit together and they don’t have another one.”

Again, I don’t really know why I thought that. Probably because I thought that’s what would happen to me. I was like, “Okay, I went through my one abortion and I don’t have to go through this again,” but going through multiple abortions doesn’t make it any easier. I feel, if anything, it makes it harder with every additional one you have to go through, and I think it also intensifies the grief that I felt. And then the second time around, the grief was also amplified because the partner that I am currently with, he is someone that I would consider having a family with in the future. And my previous partner was not. But there’s a grief that comes along with wanting to have kids with someone in the future and then having it happen to you and having to sit there and say, “Well, this just isn’t the right time for me.” And I think it’s also made me very aware of when I am out in public and I see someone that is pregnant.

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Or when I see a couple that has a baby. It's not that I’m not happy for them, but it creates an internal reflection on myself where it’s like, “I wish I was ready for that,” because I’ve been presented with that option multiple times and part of me wishes that I would have never had to go through the abortion process and I could have just said, “Oh yes, I am ready for this and I am going to have a kid and I’m going to take on all the challenges that come with that.” But that is just kind of the dialogue that I have, get in my head now when I see people that have kids, or when I see women that are pregnant. I’m like, oh that could have been– that could have been me if my circumstances were different, or if I had made different choices in my life, maybe chosen not to put myself first. It’s a weird type of grief. Maybe if I wasn’t putting myself first. Maybe that would be me. And I think it also just puts it into perspective that it’s probably going to feel weird for me when I eventually do have kids and do want to have a kid because I am going to have to think about the ones I chose not to have. So, I think the second time I felt so much more physical pain and emotional pain and grief and isolation than I ever thought was possible in this experience. I feel that a lot of people just don’t know that that’s all the things that go on in this process.

I think that’s my story up to this point. I’m still learning how to navigate through some of those emotions and trying to figure out what the future might hold.

[Redacted], you had mentioned feeling frustrated with your body. I’m curious if you could talk a little bit about what that relationship is now, between you and your body.

It [pauses and gets choked up]. On one hand I think I am thankful to my body for being able to go through what it’s gone through, but there’s still frustration there because it almost feels like that this is a circumstance that happened completely out of my control, and I think most people want to say, “Well if I can control one thing, I can control my mind, I can control my body, I can control myself.” And in this case it’s like, I got pregnant  when I was doing everything possible to not be pregnant. And I think right now, um, I’m looking at other birth control options and, again, I’m just trying to medically alter my body so that I don’t get pregnant again, and I think that in itself is just kind of frustrating. I think it’s amazing to be a woman and to be able to bring life to this world, but when you’re not ready to do that–

[Annotation 9]

It's almost as if I could flip a switch. Or I wish I could flip a switch and say, “No, don’t get pregnant I’m not ready to,” and when I am ready to I could just flip it, flip the switch. [laughs] And I guess that’s where this frustration comes from because, I mean, birth control is expensive, birth control alters your hormones, getting an IUD is very uncomfortable, or at least for me it was. And it’s kind of like the frustration of, “I’ve gone through all these steps to not get pregnant and it keeps happening.” So, I think I will always be frustrated with my body on some level for, just especially, this instance of being on an IUD and getting pregnant. The previous time it was due to a condom mishap which was not as frustrating on any level to me. I guess that’s the frustration; I wish I could sit down and have more control over such a big life decision and it seems like I don’t. Even though I have the ability to go through an abortion, and I’m fortunate enough to know of resources, and if the need arose I could afford to go out of state and do all of that. It’s just frustrating to know that, “You have to have an abortion,” so that’s the frustration I felt and have been feeling.

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And then again, you only hear talk about– talk from women who can’t conceive.  You never hear about women who conceive so many times when they don’t want to. And I feel like that also adds to the frustration because I know I can’t be the only person out there that’s felt like this. It’s just like a hidden narrative it seems like.

[Redacted], do you mind sharing a little bit about the other parts of your life? Your childhood, where you came from, your relationships to your family, and where you are now. What your priorities are now, as a whole person.

Yeah, so I was born and raised in [Redacted], Texas. I’m still here in [Redacted]. I may be looking to relocate after the whole Women’s Rights debacle that I had to grow through. Anyway, growing up it was my mom, dad, me, and my brother. I had a relatively small family. Outside of that I was always around my two grandmothers, one on my dad’s side and one on my mom’s. And I loved my family growing up. Family is still one of the most important things to me. I would do anything for my family members. I think something important is that my parents did get divorced when I was 7, and I think that that has impacted a lot of the emotions that I have and a lot of the thoughts that I have about relationships that I make with people, and how I go into relationships, and how I go into romantic relationships, and what I expect out of my partners and stuff like that. And then I think growing up, it was always just rather interesting because I think my mom was more liberal in her thinking and my dad was more conservative. To this day, I don’t think that I would tell my father anything that I’ve shared here, and I also don’t think I would tell my aunt, his sister, that I’m very close to because she kind of shares in that same conservative viewpoint of thinking. But, I always had a very loving, calm environment growing up even though my parents were separated. I was around both my parents growing up, so I still got to see my dad as often as I saw my mom, which I’m very thankful for looking back.

[Annotation 10]

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I– something that was always really important to me was, like, learning, I love learning so I always enjoyed going to school. I loved– I didn’t always love school, but I had a decent time at school and then, you know, I’ve also always loved helping people, so after high school I decided I wanted to do something in healthcare. And I absolutely loved going to college. I had such a great time. And then I decided I wanted to go to go to grad school to become a chiropractor and a nutritionist, and that was something I was so passionate about doing and, like I said, the first time I found out I was pregnant was when I was going to start grad school and, um, I’m also a bit of a stubborn person so I was just like this is not going to stand in my way. I also think that was kind of how I thought about my first pregnancy, just, “This has got to go,” because it will make my path to doing what I want to do that much harder. I mean graduate school already isn’t easy so, um, and then now I’m graduated, and I’m a chiropractor and a nutritionist, and it’s kind of interesting to go through an emotional health reproductive crisis, I would say, being a healthcare provider, I mean, yes, I pop people’s backs, but it’s– I had a lot of background knowledge of what I was going through and what was happening in my body, like, I knew what an ectopic pregnancy was. I think there’s a lot of girls and women out there who may not even be aware that that’s something that can be life threatening to them, so I consider myself very fortunate to have the background that I do and go through this.

It doesn’t make it any easier, in my opinion, but, um, I imagine it’s that much scarier if you don’t know what’s going on, or going on in your body, if you don’t have the background in anatomy and all that stuff or even just how a doctor’s office works. But that said, my priorities now, I think that just my overall health has taken a toll from this, and, you know, my own health is something that’s very important to me. And so I feel like I am doing everything I can to regain my mental health, and focus on relationships that are beneficial to me and make me feel supported, and, um, my physical health is well. I’m trying to work with a new doctor who listens to me and hears my concern about going on a new birth control, just trying to figure out what that entails and the side-effects I might have from going back on hormonal birth control, and aside from just focusing on my health, and I think I am just in a rather selfish place of wanting to focus on myself and my career. I’ve been in school since I was in kindergarten or whatever and now it’s like I finally get to work.

1:00: 32

And I finally get to help people and I finally get to do what I want to do. So, my focus is just on me, to be honest, and that’s my priority, and I think that if I’m showing up for myself and being the best person that I can be then that’s all I can really do. I think it is such a selfless thing to bring a baby into the world, whether you think about it or not. I mean, you are ultimately having to put a baby’s needs first in addition to your own and that’s still just something that I’m not ready to do. I think that one day I will be ready, after I’ve put myself first for a bit, but those are my only couple of priorities moving forward, yeah.

And who are the people that you’re surrounding yourself with at this time?

Um, I’m still very close with my mom. I’m close with my brother. Even though our communication is not what I would like it to be. I am a bit estranged from my dad at this point due to some, just personal differences, and I’m going to say boundaries that needed to be set for years. I haven’t talked to him in the last few months. But prior to that, I was close to my dad. I’m close to my aunt. His sister. And then, my boyfriend is still in the picture, and then aside from that I surround myself with two of my really close friends that live here in Texas, and I have another best friend that just relocated to the other side of the country. I think she’s the one that had a hard time communicating her support to me over the phone. She was the one that kind of didn’t text me and ask me how I was feeling and I think part of it is just being disconnected physically by so much distance. We are not as close as we once were, but she’s still someone that I talk to frequently so, yeah, those are the people that I’m closest to.

And [Redacted], can you talk about the experience of actually going to Aid Access and doing their intake and what that was like?

Yeah, so in both instances it was the exact same so I’ll just summarize. I just– their website is really easy to find. It’s not like you have to go through ten different Google pages. I just filled out the request form. Filled out that I live in Texas. I filled out that I was already pregnant and had taken a test. I had received the email correspondence. It may have been a day later, or later that night. The time change is kind of difficult because they are a couple of hours ahead or something. I just– I sent them all my information. Going through this with them multiple times, I knew that they were trustworthy. My boyfriend was kind of like, “Are you sure that you can trust this company that is going to send you pills all the way from India?” And I was like, “Yes, what are my other options?” And I guess that it’s worth noting that when he and his other partner went through an abortion they were living in New York so they had access to it. So, I kind of just had to tell him and my mom that I trust this company. I trust them. So, I put in all my information. I tried to check my emails as often as I could and just responded. I think I just had to pay the invoice. They sent that through an email link. And they wanted me to confirm my address, which I did. And then they sent me a tracking number once the pharmacy had filled the prescription. And they just kind of said that this is the tracking, it won’t update until it reaches customs in the US. I did check that tracking multiple times a day. It did take a week before it reached US customs and then it took maybe like a day, maybe two days to get through customs and then I got them maybe two days after that. So, relatively quick, and you know they give you the disclaimer that if you live in a state like Texas this could take like two to three weeks to get to you.

1:07:17

And then again, I was in the very fortunate situation that I had caught this so early on, I was only six or seven weeks pregnant by the time the pills got to me, so I was well within the time window to have an abortion without having any serious negative outcomes. I’ve always had a good experience with Aid Access. You know the first time I had an abortion I watched their videos. I was very aware of what needed to happen if I was bleeding too much or if, you know, I started feeling really bad and I think they do a good job of providing you information and, I don’t know, to me living in Texas it doesn’t seem like the sketchiest thing you can do if you were needing an abortion, so, I’m very grateful for them for everything.

[Annotation 8]

Was there any telecommunication with a doctor, or was it just over email?

It was all just over email. I, yeah, I don’t have any other serious health problems and both times I found it early on in the pregnancy. The only thing was with the second pregnancy was that I had the IUD, but I told them, “Hey, I have an IUD, but I’m going to get it removed.” I never had a telemed conference or anything. I don’t feel like it was necessary. I feel like there were a lot of resources online that I utilized. But that might have been me having a medical background and understanding more of what’s going on with the actual medical abortion, knowing what’s what in my body, all of that. But it was all just email correspondence.

[Redacted], thank you. Is there anything else you would like to share before we end our time today?

I guess I would just like to share that, I wouldn’t wish for anyone to go through this because it is emotionally painful, and I think it is a very misunderstood choice even for people who choose to have an abortion. There’s a lot of trauma that happens because of that and it’s not an easy choice. Just like having a kid isn’t an easy choice. But, I would like to– I would like for something positive to come out of what I have gone through. And I would like to be there for people who were feeling isolated, or maybe they don’t know what to do, or maybe they, like, are scared. I would just like for something positive to come out of this.

[Redacted], thank you so much for your time today. I deeply appreciate it. So, for the process, well, I can stop recording.

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