Anonymous is a soft spoken woman who loves the arts, speaks several languages, and has deep faith. Her narration offers reflections on a traumatic childhood characterized by sexual abuse primarily perpetrated by her father, as well as moving moments of singing and vulnerability.
“I, um, [pause] come up with original songs and put them on Facebook and on YouTube. There’s one that’s called ‘I Sing Because I’m Happy.’ It goes, [sings] ‘I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m kind. I sing, I sing for the Messiah. I sing, I sing, I sing. I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m kind. I sing, I sing for the Messiah. I sing, I sing, I sing.’ I came up with that myself. [breathes] When I was younger I wrote a poem called ‘You Have Not Not Broken Me’ and, uh, I don’t know where I put the words to it. I’d have to rewrite it.”
ANNOTATIONS
Annotations coming soon.
TRANSCRIPT
Interview by Dan Swern
Edison, New Jersey
January 2, 2023
Transcription by Charly Santagado
[00:00:00]
Okay, today is Tuesday, November 15. It’s 3:45 PM. Uh, this is Dan Swern. I’m here at Imani Park, uh, in Edison, and I’m here interviewing [pause]
[Redacted]
[Redacted] thank you so much for taking the time to be here today and speak with me. Um, so whenever you’re ready just please feel free to start from the beginning. Thank you.
Okay, my earliest memory is 319 Arlington Street, and, uh, I was in Acton, Massachusetts, and, uh, [pause] I shared a [pause] room with my sister. It was a beautiful little cape. We used to play in the basement. We used to, uh, go next door to grandma and grandpa’s. And we were just kids, we used to– I went to dance class when I was younger. [breathes] Um, [breathes] I, uh, when I was little [pause] I went over to grandma and grandpa’s a lot and, uh, [pause] we, um, we got cookies and pies and cakes, stuff like that. Um, [pause] some memories are good, some aren’t so good, and, uh, I– I– I loved Acton. It had a little tack store in the middle of town, which is where you can get horse equipment. [breathes] Um, [pause] I, um, [breathes] went to R– Reed Academy. It was a school for children who haven’t had it so easy growing up. And, um, [pause] they, um, they were good to me. Um, I used to visit the horse farm down the street. And, uh, feed the horses carrots. [breathes] Um, [breathes] it [pause] was a beautiful town, Acton, Massachussets. They had a little pizza shop, they [pause] right near several elementary schools. They had a little hair dresser down the street. A little quaint town. [pause] Um, [breathes] I, um, good little town. [pause] I, um, lived there ‘til I was 13. Had a stillborn when I was 13. It was not planned. It was not something I’m going to talk about during this interview. Um, [pause] I, uh, we moved from there to Manchester, New Hampshire and, um, [pause, small groan] we, um, I had, at that time, I went to high school and I got a horse named Majestic. I called him Big Guy. Uh, I’ve always been interested in art and dancing and music and languages. I know several languages. Um, [breathes] used to do quotations, you know, like, quotes, like, verbal quotes and written quotes. Um, [pause] I– we went from New Hampshire to M– Metuchen, an– and from there I moved to a supervised apartment. And we spent some time to admissions at the state hospital. [pause] At the state hospital, I had another stillborn. Um, [breathes] I, uh, [pause] I’m sad sometimes because I miss the two stillborns. It’s interesting to know what they might have been like if they had grown up. [breathes] Um, I learned a lot about food at the state hospital. That was my interest then. Learning about everything I can learn. Um, [pause] w– when I was at my second state admission, I had got– gotten to Kenridge, West Trenton housing and my own apartment like here only much bigger. It was like a big home in an apartment setting. [exhales] And, uh, [pause] then they found it was not safe at that location so I came here. And I’ve been here ever since.
[00:06:53]
[pause] And I hope I’ll be at this setting for [pause] possibly the rest of my life [dinging sound]. [breathes] Um, [pause] I am a Baptist, um, Christian. I believe that [pause] you follow a king, which is God, and, uh, you follow the Messiah. That’s my belief. Uh, I know how to use the internet. Um, [pause] and, uh, [pause] I’m fairly close with my family. Fairly close. Um, [pause] I used to do poetry. Um, [breathes] I draw sometimes, as you know. And, um, [pause] I’ve ECT, which is electric shock therapy before. [breathes] Um, [breathes] I graduated high school near the top of my class. [pause] Maybe not the very top, but within the top ten or so. Top ten percent. [pause] Um, [breathes] I’m a big fan of music. All kinds of music. Um, [breathes] I have a very good case manager named [redacted]. [pause] And I owe him a lot. He got me into this housing. [breathes] Um, [breathes] I like to dance, like, you know modern dance. Um, [breathes] I enjoy this time of year. Christmas. And, um, [breathes] I have, um, schizoaffective, so it’s bipolar and schizophrenia. Um, and I had mild PTSD. [pause] Um, [pause, breathes] I, um, [long pause, breathing]. I struggle with my weight. And, uh, so I exercise. [pause, miscellaneous sounds in background] Um, [pause] I, um, went into perimenopause early. I’m trying to think of things to say. Um, [breathes] I’m a, almost a Bible savant. I know almost everything about the Bible, both Old and New Testament. [breathes, long pause] I have lost at least eight people that I care about. They all died. Um, my friend [redacted]. She died. Uh, [redacted]. She died. Um, [burps] several family members and, uh, [breathing] several assumed missing that I’m unable to track now. [pause] Um, I know sign language. Not fluent, but fairly well. This is, “I– love– the Lord.” [breathes] I, um, have trouble sleeping. So I get emotional because I won’t sleep. Um, [pause] can I sing something? Sings: “I love you, Lord. And I lift my voice to worship You. Oh, my soul, rejoice! Take joy my King in what You hear. Let it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.” I love to sing. That’s one of my favorites.
[00:15:06]
[breathes] I, um, like to cook and bake. Um, [pause] I always wanted to go to college, but I don’t know how to go about it. Um, probably study music again. Maybe try to become something in the music industry. Um, I’m good at math. Pretty good at math. Know how to budget, which is more than some people know. Um, [pause] I, um, [pause] was molested okay. Um, [breathes] um, I like to draw and, uh, to color. I, um, [pause] think that we’re all here to talk to Christ in his time or some people vehemently appro– disapprove of Christ so that is up to them, but when their time is up, they’ll have to answer to Him at that gate. [breathes] I, um, I’ve been a DDD, which is for, uh, developmentally delayed adults. Um, I love The Muppets. I love Kermit the Frog the most [laughs] and, uh, Sam the American Eagle. [breathes] I, um, [pause] know that life hands you sometimes a hard ball and you just have to get out of its way or try not to let it hit you too hard. I think that’s about all there is that I can think of.
[00:18:21]
[Redacted] do you want to share a little bit about your family growing up?
No.
Okay.
For my own safety.
Okay. Do you have a– do you have a chosen family?
Yes I do.
You wanna share a little bit about them?
Yes. Well [pause] [redacted], my case worker. He’s my family. [Redacted], that lives next door. I consider him my family. Um, [redacted] I consider them my family. At partial care, I consider them my family. [breathes] I have family. I love them and, they d– don’t follow the same path I do. [breathes, long pause] Um, [pause] I’ll try to say a little about my family, yeah I’ll try. My dad, he, um, [pause], he forced himself upon me a couple of times. My mom tried to stop him. [pause] So did my sister. My dad made me molest my sister on one occasion (with fear of) in some ways a human sausage factory [mumbles]. [breathes] Um, [breathes] I come from a mob really with the family. It was everyone for himself. [breathes, long pause] I, um, didn’t have a choice about my sis. It was either do what my dad said or die. Not kidding. He coulda easily killed me. And I know, [breathes] um, my [redacted] did filthy and, uh, so did my grandma and my grandpa, and, um, they [pause] they knew better. Um, my dad at one point was a transvestite. [pause] Um, he, um, became a teacher where I used to go to school as a woman and he belittled me somethin’ awful. [pause] And, um, [breathes, long pause] my dad used to make me eat until I explode and I had eating disorders growing up because of it. [breathes, long pause] I, um, [pause] don’t love my dad anymore. He belittled me and I feel ashamed because of that. He told me he wants me to be nude and on the street. [pause] A prostitute. A dirty prostitute. [breathes] It’s okay, I have other people who are here to help me. I have an autistic cousin who has Down syndrome, and she makes my life an absolute living hell. [pause] I, um, [pause] that’s about it for my family and what I’ve (gone through). Well except for about two or three other people did filthy to me and, uh, [pause] I don’t know. No one knows why we have to suffer. But, um, I, um, [breathes] know that there was a precipice in everyone’s life. [pause] Uh, [pause] I don’t expect answers in this life. But when I see the King, and when I see the Messiah I will ask him why. Is there anything else you wanna know?
[00:26:00]
Do you have a relationship with your sister now?
Yep. Don’t see her often. [pause] (unintelligible) once. [breathes] Um, [long pause], uh, [pause] is there anything else you would like to know?
Um, what is it that you en– enjoy doing. Do you have a– a hobby–
Reading. Reading and, um, art. Recently did another picture of who I consider [redacted]. I, um, like to cook. I, um, like to dance. Like music. [pause] Um, I know what bullying is and I don’t know how to avoid at being bullied though. [pause] I, um, know multiple languages. I’ve brought up them. African. I know, uh, German. I know Hebrew. Uh, I know Swedish. I know Norwegian. I know what someone is saying in Spanish, but I don’t know how to speak it, if that makes any sense. I know um, let me see, Haitian. Um, I know Greek. And I know Zimbabwe. [pause] Um, I like playing with Play-Doh [laughs]. Um, [pause] I was interested at one point in maybe goin’ to school. I’m right near the college. [pause] But I don’t know how to go about it or how to apply for financial aid. I have no income to speak of. Um, [breathes] I– in the DDD, maybe they could set somethin’ up through, um, what is it called? [mumbles] Uh, work study program or somethin’ like that. I don’t know, uh, [pause]. I, uh, pray a great deal. Those are my interests. [pause] Um, [pause] I, um, [pause] come up with original songs and put them on Facebook and on YouTube. There’s one that’s called “I Sing Because I’m Happy.” It goes, [sings] “I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m kind. I sing, I sing for the Messiah. I sing, I sing, I sing. I sing because I’m happy. I sing because I’m kind. I sing, I sing for the Messiah. I sing, I sing, I sing.” I came up with that myself. [breathes] When I was younger I wrote a poem called “You Have Not Not Broken Me” and, uh, I don’t know where I put the words to it. I’d have to rewrite it. [pause] Um, [pause] I’ve met a couple of famous people in my life like Hugh Laurie, um, and believe it or not Alicia Keys. I met her. Um, [pause] I met Patty Duke in a partial care, well partial care not unit but daycare program. And, um, [pause], um, [breathes] I, um, get migraines. Um, [pause] my most unusual belief is I believe there are space aliens out there, and they can just come and abduct us anytime then want [laughs]. Um, I met one (unintelligible) name Zeld. Nice space alien, when I was like five years old. [breathes] Um, I do some basic photography. I take pictures of– of sunsets and people and videos of myself and other [pause] people and stuff like that [pause].
[00:34:04]
Um, [pause] I, um, [long pause] I love this time of year. Christmas. Um, [pause, throat sound] my mom is– was a nurse. A very good nurse. A hospice nurse mainly. Um, [breathes] and, um, [pause] my dad is a well-known photographer. [pause] He’s on Facebook and, uh, [redacted]. You can see some of his photography. [breathes] On Facebook. I don’t know how recent it is. And I do s– some photography and singing on Facebook. [breathes] I can also, um, sew. Sew, like, you know hand sewing. [pause] And, um, when I was little, I made a bear named Buddy. A hand sewn bear. And, uh, I made a little sachet. Um, [pause] at a partial care hospital I made meatloaf once. Uh, I had my hair done once by, uh, Michael Jackson. Craziest accent [laughs]. [pause] What else is there to say? Um, [pause] I make a good hamburger. Um, [sighs, long pause], um, [pause] I’m pretty good with children. And, um, [pause] used to ride horses. I rode a horse named Majestic Sidewanders and he was a phenomenal jumper. I once jumped him six feet and he could out jump anything. I rode a sensations TM, a white Appaloosa mare and she was the fastest games horse I ever rode. She was a white blur when she was runnin’. And I rode Oakey who was a quarter horse mare, and she, I think if she got goin’ for a short period of time, she could’ve outraced Secretariat. That’s how fast she was. Um, [pause] there, um, I had a horse named Rosey and she had a baby name Surprise. We didn’t know Rose was pregnant [laughs]. Um, [pause] and, um, we h– I had a horse named Charlie. I used to call him Charles Z like the Charleston Chew dance. Um, [pause] I, uh, [pause] rode quite a few good horses, if not great horses. [pause] Including [breathes] this callaway Sugar. I drove her. [pause] I rode a black mare named Quest, and she was a big mare. She w– I had the world’s biggest horse at one point. His name was Gus [laughs]. I used to call him my G-U-S or my Gustopher [laughs]. Um, [pause] I, um, [shifts, small sounds] know that, um, [pause] I believe that we’re all here for a purpose that can’t be seen or understood. [inhales] And, um, I also met Abby of NCIS once and Olivia Benson. Um, I’ve met some real nice people in my life. And it’s my hope that I make it in the singing industry. And maybe the art industry as well. [breathes] Um, I believe that life is a set of challenges. And, uh, knowing that, each challenge you go uphill. [breathes] Um, [pause] I believe [pause] that we are here to praise Him, both Him and God, and the Messiah. [pause] I know what it’s like to be split open and raped. I know what it’s like to find comfort in books. And I know h– why the caged birds sing.
[00:43:08]
One of my favorite books of all time is the Bible. I love Revelations and the Psalms and the– And Ecclesiastics. I like Ecclesiastics. [breathes] I, um, [pause] know that, um, all answers can be found in the Bible, but you have to take the time and read it over and over and over again until you understand it. [breathes, long pause] Um, [pause] I, um, know [pause] I am mainly God’s, but then the Messiah’s. Um, I had a (unintelligible). And, uh, I had a pet hamster named Peach. [breathes] I am in a constant state of prayer. And [pause] that being said, what else should I say? I’ve said quite a bit.
How did you discover for yourself that you were develo– ah, developmentally delayed?
My DDD worker explained it to me. My first DDD worker. Uh, [redacted]. [pause] He told me that, um, you don’t think like other people. You, um, think like a child, and, uh, that DDD people are warriors and that they have survived hard times, and there’s no such thing as a DDD client that hasn’t been molested. That’s just a– that’s why they’re– the DDD is– um. But [redacted], my first DDD worker and social worker, he explained it to me. If you go to DDD Developmentally Delayed online, um, you can learn anything about DDD. It’s not real explicit, but there’s a DDD of New Jersey. [pause] If you Wikipedia DDD, it explains it more than DDD does. Um, [pause] I’ve been in DDD since I was like six years old. [pause, small knocking sounds] When I was at Reed Academy, I was [pause] molested by a Jewish man. Yeah, by a Jewish man. He, uh, [breathes shakily] and a Jewish woman. And [breathes, long pause] and, um, by my dad at Reed [sound of door closing] Academy, at least emotionally. And, uh, [breathes], um, and then [redacted] [mumbles], and then [redacted]. [breathes, long pause] Um, with the DDD, you can– anyone can approve for DDD, but you have to meet this qualification to have to be younger than you are physically. You have to sound younger, you have to appear younger. [pause] There were housings just for DDD people. [breathes] Um [breathes, long pause] I, um, have, um, my friend [redacted] since Reed Academy and he knows my whole life story. [breathes] I, um, [pause] sometimes wonder why I was born. Sometimes I hit a dark spot. I had ECT before. I think I need more. [pause] Um, [pause] I was in ITU at the state hospital with the nastiest unit they have. [breathes] And, uh, [breathes], um, [door closes, small background sounds, breathing, very long pause] I, um, [breathes] what else can I say?
How do you manage your schizoaffective disorder?
Okay. Psychotropic meds. Abilify and Lithium.
And wh– what, so under what circumstances were you diagnosed?
Uh, the state hospital. [breathes] I used to be considered to have bipolar, not schizoaffective. And, uh, they kept diagnosing me as bipolar. Now [coughs] I’m schizoaffective and better treated. [breathes] I, um, [background voices, doors opening and closing, long pause] I, um, love [door closing] to read. And let’s see, uh, I’ve had ECT treatments, which is electric shock treatments. Um, personally I think I need more. [background voices] And I’ve been trying to get my [pause] psychiatrist to realize that, but I just met her. I had another psychiatrist named [redacted], and he, um, he was a good psychiatrist. But, he either retired or moved so I don’t know what happened to him. [breathes, long pause, background voices] I, um, [pause] what else would you like me to say? I– there’s some things I cannot go into.
Is there one particular ride when you were riding horses that you [pause]
Will never forget?
Yeah [laughs]
Okay [laughs]. Um, Majestic, my old horse, I was having a migraine and he brought me back to the stable. He slowly walked me back to the stable. I couldn’t even see. And that [laughs] big lug of a horse just brought me back to the stable. [pause] He was a good horse, that Majestic. My big guy. [long pause, breathing]
[00:57:01]
I um, let me see, I used to paint. [pause] Uh, [long pause], um, I, um, when I was little because of what happened, I kept getting infections. Yeast infections. And I got so sick from my antibiotics that I had to go on IV antibiotics. You should never take antibiotics if you don’t need them. [breathes] Uh, both of my parents did, uh, Munchausen’s on me. Both my parents did Munchausen’s by proxy. Um, [breathes] I had to go to the emergency room over 700 times. And my dad belted me a couple times. [long pause, background sounds, doors opening and closing, breathing] I, um, my cousin, the autistic Down syndrome, she used to grope me. And, uh, she belittles me constantly. Constantly. And, um, [breathes] I [long pause], um, had pseudoseizures for a while. That happens when you’ve been abused. [pause] I, um, [pause] was harassed about eating or not eating my whole life and belittled in every way you can be belittled. [breathes] And, um, I met someone who’s actually had a worse life than I have. His name is [pause] Stephen Pelzer. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of him. He’s in a book called A Child Called It. Now he had it rough. [breathes] He wrote A Child Called It. His– his brother, Richard Pelzer, oh my god he was made to take s– uh, illicit substances. When I was growing up, I had to take, uh, Ativan and narcotics. And I didn’t have a choice about it. [pause] And, um, I, uh, didn’t have a choice about it. [pause] And, uh, thankfully I drank a little when I was a– younger. Um, [pause] I, um, was, when I say I was raped anything from light penetration to full penetration, and aggressive penetration. Nasty. [voices in background] Um, I [long pause] When I was at the state hospital, I had to eat human skin and– and h– human pulled pork. I’m incredibly guilty about that. [long pause] Hold on let me just check my phone I think I got a– a text. [breathes] I have not had an easy life. [pause] And, um, [breathes] one of my people that I really love that would’ve walked through fire for me died a couple years ago. [Redacted]. She had been understood. [pause] And one of my friends here died and (unintelligible). [breathes, voices in background] Um, [long pause] I, um, [pause] have been DDD’d since at least six years old. I was taken away by DYFS a couple times. Once to a foster home and once to [pause], um, [breathes] Reed Academy. And [long pause], um, I, um, w– I’ve been in the bathtub [mumbles] not here, but at Penleys. [long pause]
[01:07:38]
Um, [breathes] I [microphone sounds] (unintelligible) and, uh, not able to get out from (unintelligible). I, um, couldn’t get out. Um, when I was in ITU they stuffed me in a box and I couldn’t get out. [pause, breathing] Food, I– I (h)ate it because [pause] I, uh, [voices in background coming closer] and I have (unintelligible). I had a titanium cage. I woke up [door slamming] even with the wrong drugs under sedation. I don’t know what might have happened. Eh, I woke up sore and confused. [long pause, breathing] Um, I play with toys still. I have a (unintelligible) kitchen set that I play with. [small background sounds, pause] I, um, like reading children’s books. [breathes] And [pause] I don’t know what else you would like me to say.
What do you, um– what are your thoughts on Imani Park?
I love it.
What do you love about it?
I have my own apartment. Can’t complain about that. And, uh, [pause] I love that we’re near the park. Like, you can walk all the way up to the college. You can walk endlessly around here. Um, I especially love my apartment because it’s my own little music art studio. [pause] This is a– a good, uh, set up apartment. I’ve lived here longer than I’ve lived anywhere else. And that means including with my family. Except for Reed Academy. I don’t think I’ve lived here as long as I lived in Reed Academy. [pause] I, um, let’s see, I like the parties we have here in the groups. Um, [pause] I have a good neighbor named [redacted]. I don’t know, have you ever met [redacted]? The black man? Uh, they um, I– I have [redacted] as a neighbor. I don’t know. Have you ever met [redacted]? And [redacted]. Yeah me, [redacted], and [redacted] are all my neighbors. And [redacted] and [redacted]. Uh, and, uh, let me see, [redacted]. [Redacted] is my neighbor. And I think [redacted] is my neighbor. And, uh, [pause] there’s a Muslim woman. I still don’t know her name. [pause, phone vibrates] Um, [long pause, breathing] I don’t know. What else can I say?
Do you have any final thoughts you wanna share with us?
Yes. You can survive anything, but that doesn’t mean you come out of it with a c– with a– a clean slate. You are– are given a set of cards in life, and it seems to me that it’s not even how you dealt them or if you tear them up. It’s that you, um, [pause] ask God to deal them for you, and you follow His path. [breathes] And I wanna thank you for letting me get a few things off my chest. Thank you.
Thank you [redacted].
[End of recording]